OLD GLOCK'S ALMANAC FOR 2008
JANUARY
Liverpool Football Club will beat Wigan Athletic 5:0 - the scorers will be Torres (2), Benayoun, Agger and Gerrard. Toon boss Sam Allardyce adds GMTV, the Press Association, 4-4-2, Health & Efficiency and the Discovery Channel to his list of banned media outlets following criticism of his management style and face. Joey Barton receives his fifth straight red of the season after killing another opponent. Roy Evans is the surprise choice as the new presenter of Channel 4's Countdown. Juventus unveil their new shirt design: the old white stripes are now black, and vice-versa. The cost of the revamp is said to be £11m. Former Pipe Smoker of the Year Dave Lee Travis will become an official ambassador for Manchester City, promoting the club to the children of Esher. Rafael Benitez undergoes a subtle hair weave, but not on his head. The ever-prudent Prime Minister Gordon Brown finally reveals what he keeps rolling around inside his mouth: it's a spare eye. ASDA starts selling the cheapest DVD player so far: it costs a mere 89 pence, but only has one SCART socket. A sad-faced and bearded Freddie Flintoff will be spotted drifting aimlessly between Shannon and Rockall on a badly-damaged pedalo bearing the slogan 'Mad For It!!!' in bold pink letters. He will later be eaten by a whale. At 8.43 pm on a Tuesday, Christina Aguilera will drop a disturbingly worded letter through Old Glock's letterbox. He will not notice it until bedtime.
FEBRUARY
Liverpool will beat Sunderland 2:0; afterwards, Roy Keane punches Sky's interviewer Geoff Shreeves and nuts the camera. He will be banned from the match area for ten games. His dog leaves him shortly after, professing himself to be 'disgusted' with his master's behaviour, and tired of the hassle. Sam Allardyce refuses to talk to The Observer, the FT and Waitrose Food Monthly; no reason will be given. After taking part in a new BBC2 genealogy show called 'Are My Roots Showing?', celebrity chef James Martin will discover that he was actually born in Weston-super-Mare rather than Yorkshire. His hair falls out immediately and he refuses to speak to anyone. Steve Bruce fails in his bid to overturn his £25,000 fine for calling FA chief Brian Barwick 'a great fat fool'. No post will be delivered anywhere in Keele for ten consecutive days. Peter Crouch admits his 'red hair experiment' was a mistake. Barry Chuckle, formerly one half of the Chuckle Brothers, comes out of the closet, then runs and hides in the cupboard under the sink, giggling to himself while he waits for someone to open the door and get the shock of their life. Wales manager John Toshack offends the people of Tiger Bay for calling it 'an absolute shit hole'. He protests that it was meant affectionately. The image of Christina Aguilera will suddenly appear on a piece of toast that Old Glock has cooked for his breakfast.
MARCH
Liverpool will beat Manchester United in a tense match; Kuyt misses a great chance, Ferdinand is injured and Crouch scores the winner. United manager Sir Alex Ferguson claims that something bad has happened, and he is angry. Former cabinet minister David Blunkett throws himself at David Miliband, thinking that it is Joan Collins. Portsmouth boss Harry Redknapp announces that he is no longer speaking to Newcastle boss Sam Allardyce. And vice-versa. Fresh figs are found growing freely in Ipswich. Former red Craig Johnston will unveil his latest invention: the Thingamywig - a hat that also serves as a wig. Terry Venables will claim that he invented the very same thing in 1968. An unseemly row will follow. Roy Evans leaves Countdown after being judged 'nice but totally useless' by TV chiefs. He will be replaced by John Barnes. West Ham's Craig Bellamy receives a record fine after the incident with a bassoon during the club's training break in Calabria. Old Glock is woken up at 3.21 in the morning by someone phoning up with a deep Jamaican accent who claims to be Christina Aguilera.
APRIL
Liverpool will draw 0:0 with Fulham in a laboured affair, but remain top of the league by two points. A fully grown basking shark is found in Harry Redknapp's koy carp lake in Bournemouth. Take That star Gary Barlow reveals to the Daily Express that he is pregnant. Setanta Sports add 'Extreme Golf' to their TV package at no extra charge to subscribers. Rafael Benitez gives up horchata for dietary reasons. There will be no Dickinson's Real Deal this month on ITV1, due to industrial action by viewers. Health watchdogs warn that British children 'don't do enough'. Former red Robbie Fowler buys Devon. England Under 21 manager Stuart Pearce complains that nothing is 110%, and that has to change, urgently, by at least 10%. After undergoing liposuction on his legs, hips and stomach, Steve Bruce topples over due to the weight of his head. Birmingham chief Karren Brady is quoted as saying 'He'll have to get up somehow himself because I'm not helping him'. California is rocked by unexpected alfalfa shortages. Psychic Derek Acorah tells Old Glock that his spirit guide Sam has spotted Christina Aguilera hiding in his shed.
MAY
Liverpool steal a 1:0 win against a tough Spurs team to secure the Premiership. Gordon Brown marks the achievement by knighting Paddy Crerand. After consenting to be 'regressed' by Paul McKenna on BBC Breakfast, TV gardener Alan Titchmarsh is horrified to find that he was actually adopted and is not really a Yorkshireman at all - he was actually born in Colchester. Celebrity chef James Martin breaks his silence to mock the crestfallen Titchmarsh. Then he goes quiet again. Cilla Black marries Paul O'Grady in a lavish ceremony in the Bahamas. Eating in public is made illegal. Sam Allardyce announces that he will no longer speak to his nephew Ralph after he 'looked at me in a funny way'. Old Glock receives a letter from Readers' Digest, informing him that he is the one person chosen from his area to be given the chance, for a modest fee, of winning a signed picture of Christina Aguilera.
APRIL
April returns for an unprecedented five day period after May. All computers have to be altered at great expense, and the Radio Times is a mess. Gordon Brown calls a meeting of COBRA and orders an Indian meal. Neville Neville, the father of Gary and Phil, admits to the Sunday Mirror that he switched his real first name and surname around by deed poll 'to make me seem more interesting'. 'Spirit in the Sky' is re-released, and enters the charts at 14. Harry Redknapp announces that he is not talking to Sam Allardyce's nephew, Ralph, 'just in case'. West End musical star Elaine Paige admits that she is actually a 78-year-old man called Alan Chisney. Clever man Richard Dawkins is exposed as 'an absolute idiot' by an academic think tank. Everton workhorse Leighton Baines will admit that he is the illegitimate son of former Wales star Leighton James: 'We never thought anyone would rumble us,' he tells the News of the World. West Ham's Craig Bellamy apologises to boss Alan Curbishley for shooting his cat. 'Alan's a genius,' Bellamy says, 'and something of a role model'. Dame Kelly Holmes will finally find something else to do. Old Glock is invited to become a friend on the MySpace site of Christina Aguilera, but finds himself logging in to a dating site.
JUNE
Newcastle United announce that they will no longer speak to Sam Allardyce, who resigns in protest. Former deputy Prime Minister John Prescott is quoted as saying he is 'surprised' by the turn of events. Sam Allardyce then bans John Prescott from his home. John Precott then bans Allardyce from HIS home, telling him he's a 'bleedin bloody bastard'. Allardyce retorts that, as he has stopped listening to Prescott, he's wasting his breath. The belated arrival of June is greeted in Chester by groups of naked Welshmen shouting 'No one will have lamb - NO ONE!!!!' Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho tells reporters that global warming is more important than football, which is, he says, 'just a game with a ball'. He is nominated for an award. Christina Aguilera appears briefly on Old Glock's screensaver, then vanishes with a loud popping noise, forcing a reboot.
JULY
Criag Bellamy leaves West Ham, saying that it is time for a new challenge, and signs for newly-promoted Championship club MK Dons. Manchester is completely under water for three days, even though there is a drought. Coffee beans excreted by working class staff at Prince Charles's Duchy Originals are hailed as a luxury food item by Prince Charles. Everton manager David Moyes announces that he is suffering from irritable bowel syndrome. Everton chief Bill Kenwright adds they he's got that, too. Former cabinet minister David Blunkett throws himself at David Miliband's brother, Ed, thinking that it is Joan Collins. Drinking is banned from all bistro pubs in England and Wales, but not Scotland. Old Glock hears something that sounds a bit like Christina Aguilera outside his kitchen window, but it might have been an injured wood pigeon.
AUGUST
Newcastle bad boy Joey Barton begins work on Guy Ritchie's new crime movie musical, 'Apples & Pears'. He plays a sociopathic trout farmer. Former Newcastle boss Sam Allardyce announces that he is no longer having 'anything to de with meself'. The news goes unreported. Judy Finnigan implodes on live TV. Husband Richard is forced to fold her up and put her in a bio-degradable carrier bag, then finish an interview with Ray Winston on his own. Arsenal complete a stylish win over FC Hagen-Hogan in the final of the Emirates Ben & Jerry's Hello Pizza Hut Cup, and Van Persie executes a Cruyff turn for their eleventh goal in the 97th minute against a pensioner playing as right back as a competiton prize. Everyone gets very excited, and predicts the club will be impossible to defeat. Former red Jamie Redknapp marries Frank Lampard in a civil ceremony attended by ex-wife Louise and EastEnders star Steve McFadden. As cousins, they will not be able to have children. Twenty20 Golf, Extreme Rowing and Beach Squash are all added to Setander's TV package, at a modest increase to the overall charge. Old Glock opens his curtains one morning to be almost blinded by the smile of Christina Aguilera. Or the s un. One of the two. It was too bright to be sure.
SEPTEMBER
During a bad-tempered match between Arsenal and Everton, David Moyes suffers terribly from piles. Former red John Aldridge is the surprise winner of the Celebrity Hand Jive Contest on Irish TV. Baby aubergines are banned from Britain's supermarkets following the revelation on BBC1's Watchdog programme that baby aubergines are actually just normal aubergines that have been picked before they're fully grown. Neil Warnock takes a new job as a traffic warden in Oswestry. Anthony Le Tallec complains about something. Everyone is made to wear glasses while visiting libraries. Reading manager Steve Coppell tells Sky's Richard Keyes that 'the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation'. Old Glock is shaken to discover that the anagram of the name of his Polish au pair is 'Khruztini Agguilerio'.
OCTOBER
England boss Steve McLaren will attempt to coax Jamie Carragher back into the England squad with the offer of a large box of Belgium chocolates. Gary Neville's attempt to become player/manager of Preston North End fails because Preston already have a manager and think Gary Neville is an irritating little git from Bury. TV Funnyman Jasper Carrott reveals to OK magazine that he has had a prosthetic anus since 1963. Teddy Sheringham marries Shilpa Shetty in a West Hampstead register office; his children from previous relationships - Norman, Alf, Rob, Lee, Wayne, Colin and Teddy Jnr - attend the ceremony. Bernard Matthews launch the Chicken Surprise range - chicken products made entirely of turkey. Bolton Wanderers boss Sammy Lee experiments with a few media bans, then gets bored and stops. Old Glock thinks that he sees Christina Aguilera on a bus going in the opposite direction. She seemed sad.
NOVEMBER
Wayne Rooney reveals that Manchester United executive David Gill has given him a letter telling him that he is free to visit Faith Brown whenever Colleen is away on fashion assignments. Gill says that this may or may not be the case. Bryan Robson will be sacked as Sheffield United boss on the grounds that 'he's not very good, and he's miserable with it'. Harry Redknapp announces that, as from now, he will only give interviews to The Lancet magazine, and then only in the form of a game of charades. Someone tells Fern Britton something genuinely funny and she explodes. Steve McMahon takes over as the new head coach of Sporting Dingoes in Western Australia's amateur Vegemite league, but not before issuing a blistering attack on Rafa Benitez for his 'shoddy' tactical thinking and lack of ambition. Old Glock comes back from the toilets to suspect that Christina Aguilera has sneaked in, spiked his drink and then sneaked off again. He throws the drink away, but licks the glass.
DECEMBER
Former red Stan Collymore will convert to Islam. Liverpool beat Real Madrid 4:1 at home in the Champions league: Torres, Gerrard (pen), Babel and Heskey (o.g.) are the scorers. Cheese is made illegal. Diminutive soul/rock star Prince is ordered by the courts to stay away from Arsene Wenger. MK Dons bad boy Craig Bellamy is accused of starting a fire in Hamley's toy store. The sausage dog is officially declared extinct. New SkySports pundit Sam Allardyce refuses to speak to anyone from SkySports. He just sits there and stares into space. Old Glock receives a large box on Christmas morning. He opens it to find...Christina fecking Aguilera!
