*Robbed from some site*
I’M SORRY, BUT IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO JUST FUCK OFF. Yes, you read that correctly, and yes, I know it’ll come as a shock to some that I’ve come out with a statement like this, but I can assure you I’ve not taken this position without a great deal of thought. I’ve considered it carefully, and enough is enough. You can’t keep defending actions like these and hoping that things will change. They won’t. I think we can all agree there’s clear proof of that, and Tuesday night was yet another in a long line of perfect examples. It’ll just keep happening again and again unless we address it correctly, right here, right now. And I’m not naive. I know that many will disagree with me, and that some will of course be uncomfortable with what I’m proposing, but I genuinely think it’s for the best if we put everyone into a giant lead safe, seal it forever, and drop it to the bottom of the fucking ocean. What? Okay, a couple of giant safes. You’re right – one won’t be enough. Ah, you thought I was talking about Luis Suarez, didn’t you? Nah. Do you need me to? I mean, I could, it’s just, well…I really don’t fucking care. Honestly, I really don’t. I think I did last time, and now…nothing. And this apparently makes me a bad person. I’m not sure whether I’ve tried to care and failed or if it’s just because I’m all Suarez’d out from last year, but whatever the reason I’m fairly certain that, ultimately, I just don’t give a shiny, silver shite anymore. He’s a flawed genius, that’s all there is to it, and he isn’t the first and won’t be the last. Personally, I’m far more concerned with the idea that I SHOULD care, like those I’d like to shuttle off this fucking planet pretend to.* There’s this idea that I should be outraged, like Sherrie Hewson was on Loose Women, and I should be expressing this outrage through any form of social media I can get my grubby little mitts on, like Frankie Cocozza. I could draw up my own ‘tolerance guide’ and stick to it when it suits me – perhaps having Kung Fu kicks to the chest at one end and bites to the shoulder at the other – then go spitting mental on Twitter and Facebook, even if I’m older than Joseph Minala’s Rubik’s Cube. Truth is, this biting nonsense, or ‘Bitegate’ if you’re a virgin, isn’t even the worst thing to have happened at this World Cup. I’ve been more appalled at having my eyes raped by the sight of that globular bollock Adrian Chiles’ feet, or by Martin O’Neill modelling your dad’s summerwear collection, with his reflective legs buckled together as if concealing the world’s biggest predatory lob-on. Or by how many times I’ve had my mind fisted to the tune of Andy ‘Yep’ Townsend saying “Yep” a thousand times per “Yep” game, or by Clarke ‘Countdown Cock’ Carlisle telling us how Colombia’s Jackson Martinez has struggled to get into the fucking Ecuador side. I’ve listened to the co-commentary equivalent of an afternoon tour of Dignitas courtesy of Phil Neville, a grown man with highlights. I’ve seen a picture of Sol Campbell inexplicably dressed like Larry Grayson’s audition for Benidorm, and I’ve self-harmed at the notion that somebody would actually employ Gibraltar’s Danny Higginbotham to torture me through my telly. Nevertheless, I would happily sit through it all again. Every single moment, every last ill-informed sodding utterance, every glance at a fat man’s bunions, than have to listen to the cretinous fucking judgement of the great British public, and the bombastic edification suggested by punditry nimrods like this stupid cunt: “I’m sorry, but they’ve got to throw him in jail and lock him up forever.” - Danny Mills, a glistening shitcase of some prestige Is this how I’m supposed to react? Like Danny Mills? Really? He bit someone on the shoulder, you absolute minge pipe, he didn’t bugger a Royal. But this is just one example of the hyperbolic and, in some instances, hilariously hypocritical reactions on show. Elsewhere, we’ve got Stan ‘I only hit her once’ Collymore wading in to suggest counselling, and Piers ‘My good friend the dead girl’s phone hacker’ Morgan calling Suarez an “utter lunatic” shortly before asking his “mate” Mike Tyson, a man who served a conviction for rape in 1992, for his views on the matter. Alan Shearer wants Suarez “hammered”, which is presumably how Neil Lennon felt after Shearer ‘accidentally’ tried to remove his face with a boot some years ago. An incident he was never punished for, by the way. Andy Murray can’t believe it, Bruce Springsteen can’t either, and pundits at the BBC are so outraged they forgot their employer practically gave the world’s biggest paedo a backstage pass to the knickers of every child in the studio for 30 years. But we can all jump on the moral fucking bandwagon when it suits us, can’t we? Just make sure your opinion includes a bite pun. Sadly, perspective seems to be lost at the drop of a hat, but I’ll see if I can offer some now. This is a sport, and it’s governed by a set of rules which are put in place for the betterment of that sport. When a player steps out of the tunnel and out onto the pitch they’re to obey those rules. If a player breaks those rules then they should be punished. So, quite clearly and quite rightly, Luis Suarez should be punished. For violent conduct. Because that’s what it is and nothing more. Just like a kick is. Or a punch is. Or a headbutt is. Or an unexpected and potentially life threatening forearm to the back of the head is (no matter how much you want to pretend like it didn’t happen, Wayne). A bite on the shoulder, though fucking stupid, isn’t worse than any of these. It’s violent conduct, should be treated as such, and that’s that. FIFA, UEFA, our FA, none of them should get to make up the rules as they go along, and certainly not because of public pressure or rival supporter reaction, but that’s what appears to be happening. If it isn’t, then how come we’ve all been asking how long his ban’s likely to be? Shouldn’t we know? Isn’t it in those rules you’ve written? And it really doesn’t matter what your opinion is, or how much you dislike Luis Suarez or even LIKE him for that matter. It’s fuck all to do with you, and it SHOULD be fuck all to do with you. Your outrage is merely a byproduct of an occurrence, and let’s face it – it’s also complete bollocks. The only thing you’re outraged about is the possibility of Luis Suarez dicking your defence like it’s the last minge on Merseyside again next season. All your cry-arsing about deportation, expulsion or, if you’re a dribbling, egg-headed simpleton, jail time, is as transparent as it is pointless. It’s a sportsman, breaking a rule, in a sport. Are you really suggesting that Luis Suarez, his wife and two young children are uprooted from their home and removed from the country…because of a bite? A little one on someone’s shoulder? Because if you are, please, get in the fucking safe. “I don’t even follow football, but if this Suarez has bitten someone he should be deported.” - Adolf Hitler And so to the ruination of this piece in the form of today’s judgement. Four months. Four fucking months. A real landmark ruling by FIFA as nothing so stupid has ever been seen before. Honestly, watch the end of Transformers, that’s where I got the idea from. They drop Megatron into the ocean. Celebrations all round, no doubt, as the villain gets his comeuppance once more. Facebook and Twitter rejoice, memes everywhere, hilarious puns abound. He’s not even allowed to train. Not even allowed to stay in the same hotel. We could disguise the safes as Nandos or The Pound Shop and pretend there’s some kind of special event they simply can’t miss going on inside, like a Jordan book signing. I mean, they’d turn up to the unveiling of a fucking queef if they thought that useless shag epidemic was there, too. And she’s bound to have one ready (a book, not a queef), what with it being six months and a shiny new bastard since the last. I hope I haven’t offended Sherrie Hewson with this. Four months. No precedent. Four months, from thin air. £65,000 fine. Still, the great British public, they’ll be happy. The great British public, who sit up on Henman Hill / Murray’s Minge / Judy’s Quim, or whatever it’s fucking called now, with their painted faces and Union Jack bowler hats, waving little plastic flags. Dressed as knights. Wearing chainmail. They’ll be happy. The nasty man got his punishment. K-Swiss. Outrageous. God save the Queen. We’d probably need some sort of financial backing to pay for the safe(s), so I was thinking Kickstarter. Even if they escaped – loads of water. Big safe, made of lead, dickheads inside, ocean. Trust me, it’s a winner… * Initial idea, abandoned because of spiraling costs.
