I nicked this from Redcafe, of all places, but it's actually quite amusing.
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As transfer deadline day approaches, withering yet more precious life fragments from our ultimately pointless existences, like a child whose pined all Christmas for that dream present only to find Santa has given it to that rich brat down the road andhe’s been left to make do with a barely functioning second hand training bike on loan from Wigan which his father had to sell his favorite jumper to afford – now’s as good a time as any to compile a list! And surely it’s that time again where we mockingly predict things that are inevitably likely to happen on planet football before the window closes, finally affording us sweet, blessed, gentle release from the madness, and all that endless, endless speculation.
1. People still standing outside in front of things – People love standing in front of things. I know I do. Usually I like to stand facing them though, enabling me to get a good juicy view of the particular thing of interest I’m standing in front of, which is a luxury rarely afforded to the unenviable roving reporter on transfer deadline day, whose function is merely to stand in front of something related to the clubs his transfer report is concerning. This is almost always a stadium or training ground, despite the fact that standing outside, in front of it affords him no advantage in gaining any insight into the transfer itself, and if anything actually hinders him, as said transfer is unlikely to be instigated, enacted or completed on the street across the road from a stadium, surrounded by an unwelcome gaggle of excitable kids all desperate to do something silly on television. But such is the rise in prominence of self accessible Twit-formation that the quaint old television reporter is these days required to prove he’s actually doing something worthy of being paid for. They’ll still receive the crucial breaking news five minutes after everyone on Twitter, but at least they’re outside being annoyed by kids.
Probability of seeing people standing pointlessly outside in front of things -10.
2.Harry Redknapp in a car – People love their cars. I know I do. But Harry Redknapp loves his car more, which is why he conducts all of his interviews from it. Rarely can you switch on Sky Sports News without seeing ‘Arry beaming mischievously from out of his car window whilst telling a group of wild, roving reporters how little he actually knows about his own transfer dealings, what his players are up to, or tactics. He does this so frequently that some reporters are stationed permanently in the Spurs car park, living only off Twiglets and discarded energy bars, waiting patiently for sustenance from the teat of wheeler dealing wisdom. Thankfully they’re kept well nourished as ‘Arry is always on the move somewhere in his car, often being interviewed toing and froing several times in a single day. This is likely because he spends most of his days hunting bargain strikers around the country, or possibly simply because he knows if he goes home he’ll be forced into another tortuous game of Wii tennis with his son, daughter in-law and that other one no one recognises.
Probability of seeing Harry Redknapp talking from inside his car -8
3. Wesley Sneijder signing for Manchester United – I’m pretty confident about this one. Mainly because Wesley Sneijder has already signed for Manchester United. About seven times by my reckoning, not including the once he signed for Manchester City. To be more accurate (which would be wholly out of step with the practices of tabloid journalism) he’s “agreed a deal” with United about seven times, probably about nine by the time this goes to print. Inter Milan have agreed around four of those deals, whilst Sneijder himself has agreed personal terms twice, but also failed to agree them six times and The Daily Mirror has agreed terms with all of them at least three times a week for the last month. Such is the declining scoop potential of print journalism that tabloids often feel the need to pre-emptive strike transfer stories in the hope of hitting at least some of their targets before the twin beasts of rolling news and the internet steal their thunder and precious, precious readers. In this regard the Dutchman’s fourteen current moves to Old Trafford can merely be considered collateral damage. As can 8 of every 10 transfers reported in a red top.
Probability of Wesley Sneijder signing for Manchester United -0 or10, depending on who you follow on Twitter.
4. A journalist attempting to boost his followers on Twitter with an impending exclusive – People love Twitter. I know I do. But journalists don’t, especially when they’re being contradicted by a player they’ve just written a nonsense story about, instantly rendering their status as the “in the know” middle man redundant and faintly pathetic. What journalists do love though is breaking exclusives, even if they haven’t got one. At various points in the next week, some hack or other will attempt to drum up some free publicity for whatever drivel he’s written by announcing a disingenuous and misleading exclusive reveal at a specific time in the near future. This will begin with something along the lines of“Big news on Sneijder, will tell all at 6” only to eventually reveal that he’s dropped a Cornetto on his wife’s favorite shoes or momentarily put a cat in a bin. This will inevitably lead to a barrage of abuse, but not before he’s boosted his online following exponentially amongst the army of gullible idiots who followed him to get the exclusive on his exclusive. This ploy can also be used to drum up excitement around some actual but uninteresting or obvious transfer news, such as“Big development re:Arsenal, full story at 4” -“Wenger says he’s happy with his squad if he doesn’t sign anyone.” Luckily there’s a simple tactic to figuring out this crafty ruse and avoiding the inevitable let down – Don’t be an idiot.
Probability of journalists disingenuously telegraphing their own uninteresting invented stories -9
5. Someone burning their shirt – Nothing confuses wives, girlfriends or the uninitiated more than the strange fixation overweight middle aged men have with garish figure hugging polyester sports clothing intended for young, lean athletes. In any other context such an obsession would be madness, bordering on the grotesque, but in football it symbolises the passion, intensity, depth of feeling and the levels of self flagellation one is willing to go to for ones beloved club. However sometimes a shirt can come to embody all the contemptible, disloyal, traitorish aspects of the game, especially if it’s emblazoned with the name of a recently departed player, and in such cases, it must pay. With fire! No transfer window would be complete without the sight of a disproportionately angry fan taking to the streets (preferably behind a reporter standing in front of something) to display his raging primitive anger in the only tangible way he knows how. By burning a £50 carcinogenic shirt in the open air in front of television cameras. Some would say that burning your own club shirt is counterproductively burning your own crest with it, but such people clearly don’t appreciate just how cool fire is.
Probability of someone burning their shirt -7
6. Parting swipes - It’s almost impossible these days to sign for a club and be genuinely gracious to your dearly departed. Even those who act respectful after the fact have usually spent the best part of two years striking or claiming to have been horsewhipped in the back of a merchant vessel in 18th century Africa. Such is the hideous awfulness of being a feted twenty something millionaire that upon leaving one club for another it is now mandatory to take some kind of parting shot at your former club, or it’s fans or, failing that, the closest rival of your new employers. New fans are always amazing of course and infinitely better than old fans, and it’s important to stress how much this new fan amazingness was crucial in your decision to move. And not, of course, a better chance of regular playing time or a whole industrial water tank full of money. Footballers really do love their fans. As long as they’re the new fans they haven’t played for yet. This is particularly prevalent if a(nother) player signs for Manchester City, whereupon it’s stipulated firmly in their contract that they must mention that all the football fans in Manchester support them, and not the evil, declining, Surrey based United. Failure to do this will result in the collective shunning of said player, and the whole of Eastlands will turn their backs on them…..erm…..or something.
Probability of a player making an unnecessary parting shot at his former club and/or gratuitous brown nose to his new -10
7. Last minute cramming – Like a spotty teen the night before an exam or a hungover blog writer the last couple of hours before a deadline, it’s crucial that half the clubs in the footballing world leave all of their business to the very last minute. More wheeler dealing is done on the last day of the window than on any other, as if a whole section of management thought there was probably something really important to do during the summer, if only they could remember what it was, but that if it was really that important someone would have told them by now. Some clubs seem to buy players on this day merely for the amusement of doing so, or because everyone else is, rather than because they actually need that player. This is Harry Redknapp’s favorite day of the year. It is also Arsene Wenger’s most feared, which is why he usually spends it cowering in a cupboard with his hands over his ears until it goes away.
Probability of more deals being done on the last day than any other -10
8. Inappropriate Ink – For reasons that completely escape me and the majority of the civilized world, a very specific type of football fan exists for whom the tattooing of footballers on their person is the highest form of art. Many have gotten club emblems, trophies and legends of yore etched into their epidermis, but to these special, champions of man, this is not enough. The greater art lies in the unwavering certainty of the future. Footballers have a fantastic track record of loyalty, as we all know, and so the painful permanent inking of your favorite current player in full current kit is no way at all a fool hardy errand to embark on. Nope. Just ask the man who had Andy Cole tattooed on his arm in a full Newcastle strip, or the even more heroic man who had Kaka tattooed over his heart whilst the rumors of a proposed move to City were still days away from Gary Cooke cussing his dad. Should these people be admired, ridiculed or studied in laboratories? What makes them tick? Who knows? But they probably shouldn’t be allowed to breed.
Probability of someone getting a tattoo of a new signing -6 (but9 if it’s at Newcastle or Manchester City)
9. Hijackings, real or pretend – Ever since pirating stopped being all about big cool ships and swinging on ropes and started being about scary men with automatic machine guns on speed boats with far less interesting hats, hijacking has become less fun. In football however, it still retains some modicum of entertainment and can often provide the big talking point in a transfer window. Who can forget Robinho’s sudden unexpected move to City when shirts baring his name were already being bought by Chelsea fans (and most probably burned, see No.5.) Hijacking usually involves the bigger clubs but more often than not involves no one at all, and is simply invented as a ruse by a cunning agent to strengthen his clients bargaining position. Arsenal and Manchester United have been on standby to hijack every single transfer this summer, like fiendish Scarlet Pimpernels hiding out at an airport departure gate, but have so far failed to do so. Probably because they weren’t actually going to in the first place.
Probability of a club hijacking another club’s transfer -5
Probability of a journalist/agent/internet rumor mill saying a club are going to hijack another club’s transfer -10
10. Crushing disappointment – If all the other variables are, erm, variable (even the ones I’ve confusingly giving a probability of 10) then the one thing that’s constant, assured and solid gold plated as fact is that the majority of fans will be left disappointed by the transfer window. Transfer windows are like most things in life, or even life itself. We all have lofty dreams, hopes and aspirations, but most of us, bar the exceptional few, never see them fulfilled. And in the end we settle, bitterly writing sarcastic articles about football, jaded and curmudgeoned at the ripe old age of 27. (Oh God!) Across the leagues, if you’re not a fan of the top dogs, you’ll likely have lost, or lose your best players to them. The most you can hope for is a decent bargain journeyman, a promising youth prospect or Robbie Keane to fill their place. Many clubs are broke or going so, and even if you’re a Villa, Arsenal or Spurs, proud historic clubs with legacy and little chance of going under, your chances of buying players as good as the ones you’ve lost (or look like losing) look slight. Even with the money. Even if you’re United, reigning champions and with millions already spent, chances are there’ll be a few who groan at the possible failure to sign a superstar after being linked with so many. Liverpool fans should be happy, and a few other clubs here and there, but in the end, the mega rich Decepticons of City & Chelsea aside, most clubs and fans will be happy to see the window close, so we get just back to the football. Sweet, lovely football. Well, until January.
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As transfer deadline day approaches, withering yet more precious life fragments from our ultimately pointless existences, like a child whose pined all Christmas for that dream present only to find Santa has given it to that rich brat down the road andhe’s been left to make do with a barely functioning second hand training bike on loan from Wigan which his father had to sell his favorite jumper to afford – now’s as good a time as any to compile a list! And surely it’s that time again where we mockingly predict things that are inevitably likely to happen on planet football before the window closes, finally affording us sweet, blessed, gentle release from the madness, and all that endless, endless speculation.
1. People still standing outside in front of things – People love standing in front of things. I know I do. Usually I like to stand facing them though, enabling me to get a good juicy view of the particular thing of interest I’m standing in front of, which is a luxury rarely afforded to the unenviable roving reporter on transfer deadline day, whose function is merely to stand in front of something related to the clubs his transfer report is concerning. This is almost always a stadium or training ground, despite the fact that standing outside, in front of it affords him no advantage in gaining any insight into the transfer itself, and if anything actually hinders him, as said transfer is unlikely to be instigated, enacted or completed on the street across the road from a stadium, surrounded by an unwelcome gaggle of excitable kids all desperate to do something silly on television. But such is the rise in prominence of self accessible Twit-formation that the quaint old television reporter is these days required to prove he’s actually doing something worthy of being paid for. They’ll still receive the crucial breaking news five minutes after everyone on Twitter, but at least they’re outside being annoyed by kids.
Probability of seeing people standing pointlessly outside in front of things -10.
2.Harry Redknapp in a car – People love their cars. I know I do. But Harry Redknapp loves his car more, which is why he conducts all of his interviews from it. Rarely can you switch on Sky Sports News without seeing ‘Arry beaming mischievously from out of his car window whilst telling a group of wild, roving reporters how little he actually knows about his own transfer dealings, what his players are up to, or tactics. He does this so frequently that some reporters are stationed permanently in the Spurs car park, living only off Twiglets and discarded energy bars, waiting patiently for sustenance from the teat of wheeler dealing wisdom. Thankfully they’re kept well nourished as ‘Arry is always on the move somewhere in his car, often being interviewed toing and froing several times in a single day. This is likely because he spends most of his days hunting bargain strikers around the country, or possibly simply because he knows if he goes home he’ll be forced into another tortuous game of Wii tennis with his son, daughter in-law and that other one no one recognises.
Probability of seeing Harry Redknapp talking from inside his car -8
3. Wesley Sneijder signing for Manchester United – I’m pretty confident about this one. Mainly because Wesley Sneijder has already signed for Manchester United. About seven times by my reckoning, not including the once he signed for Manchester City. To be more accurate (which would be wholly out of step with the practices of tabloid journalism) he’s “agreed a deal” with United about seven times, probably about nine by the time this goes to print. Inter Milan have agreed around four of those deals, whilst Sneijder himself has agreed personal terms twice, but also failed to agree them six times and The Daily Mirror has agreed terms with all of them at least three times a week for the last month. Such is the declining scoop potential of print journalism that tabloids often feel the need to pre-emptive strike transfer stories in the hope of hitting at least some of their targets before the twin beasts of rolling news and the internet steal their thunder and precious, precious readers. In this regard the Dutchman’s fourteen current moves to Old Trafford can merely be considered collateral damage. As can 8 of every 10 transfers reported in a red top.
Probability of Wesley Sneijder signing for Manchester United -0 or10, depending on who you follow on Twitter.
4. A journalist attempting to boost his followers on Twitter with an impending exclusive – People love Twitter. I know I do. But journalists don’t, especially when they’re being contradicted by a player they’ve just written a nonsense story about, instantly rendering their status as the “in the know” middle man redundant and faintly pathetic. What journalists do love though is breaking exclusives, even if they haven’t got one. At various points in the next week, some hack or other will attempt to drum up some free publicity for whatever drivel he’s written by announcing a disingenuous and misleading exclusive reveal at a specific time in the near future. This will begin with something along the lines of“Big news on Sneijder, will tell all at 6” only to eventually reveal that he’s dropped a Cornetto on his wife’s favorite shoes or momentarily put a cat in a bin. This will inevitably lead to a barrage of abuse, but not before he’s boosted his online following exponentially amongst the army of gullible idiots who followed him to get the exclusive on his exclusive. This ploy can also be used to drum up excitement around some actual but uninteresting or obvious transfer news, such as“Big development re:Arsenal, full story at 4” -“Wenger says he’s happy with his squad if he doesn’t sign anyone.” Luckily there’s a simple tactic to figuring out this crafty ruse and avoiding the inevitable let down – Don’t be an idiot.
Probability of journalists disingenuously telegraphing their own uninteresting invented stories -9
5. Someone burning their shirt – Nothing confuses wives, girlfriends or the uninitiated more than the strange fixation overweight middle aged men have with garish figure hugging polyester sports clothing intended for young, lean athletes. In any other context such an obsession would be madness, bordering on the grotesque, but in football it symbolises the passion, intensity, depth of feeling and the levels of self flagellation one is willing to go to for ones beloved club. However sometimes a shirt can come to embody all the contemptible, disloyal, traitorish aspects of the game, especially if it’s emblazoned with the name of a recently departed player, and in such cases, it must pay. With fire! No transfer window would be complete without the sight of a disproportionately angry fan taking to the streets (preferably behind a reporter standing in front of something) to display his raging primitive anger in the only tangible way he knows how. By burning a £50 carcinogenic shirt in the open air in front of television cameras. Some would say that burning your own club shirt is counterproductively burning your own crest with it, but such people clearly don’t appreciate just how cool fire is.
Probability of someone burning their shirt -7
6. Parting swipes - It’s almost impossible these days to sign for a club and be genuinely gracious to your dearly departed. Even those who act respectful after the fact have usually spent the best part of two years striking or claiming to have been horsewhipped in the back of a merchant vessel in 18th century Africa. Such is the hideous awfulness of being a feted twenty something millionaire that upon leaving one club for another it is now mandatory to take some kind of parting shot at your former club, or it’s fans or, failing that, the closest rival of your new employers. New fans are always amazing of course and infinitely better than old fans, and it’s important to stress how much this new fan amazingness was crucial in your decision to move. And not, of course, a better chance of regular playing time or a whole industrial water tank full of money. Footballers really do love their fans. As long as they’re the new fans they haven’t played for yet. This is particularly prevalent if a(nother) player signs for Manchester City, whereupon it’s stipulated firmly in their contract that they must mention that all the football fans in Manchester support them, and not the evil, declining, Surrey based United. Failure to do this will result in the collective shunning of said player, and the whole of Eastlands will turn their backs on them…..erm…..or something.
Probability of a player making an unnecessary parting shot at his former club and/or gratuitous brown nose to his new -10
7. Last minute cramming – Like a spotty teen the night before an exam or a hungover blog writer the last couple of hours before a deadline, it’s crucial that half the clubs in the footballing world leave all of their business to the very last minute. More wheeler dealing is done on the last day of the window than on any other, as if a whole section of management thought there was probably something really important to do during the summer, if only they could remember what it was, but that if it was really that important someone would have told them by now. Some clubs seem to buy players on this day merely for the amusement of doing so, or because everyone else is, rather than because they actually need that player. This is Harry Redknapp’s favorite day of the year. It is also Arsene Wenger’s most feared, which is why he usually spends it cowering in a cupboard with his hands over his ears until it goes away.
Probability of more deals being done on the last day than any other -10
8. Inappropriate Ink – For reasons that completely escape me and the majority of the civilized world, a very specific type of football fan exists for whom the tattooing of footballers on their person is the highest form of art. Many have gotten club emblems, trophies and legends of yore etched into their epidermis, but to these special, champions of man, this is not enough. The greater art lies in the unwavering certainty of the future. Footballers have a fantastic track record of loyalty, as we all know, and so the painful permanent inking of your favorite current player in full current kit is no way at all a fool hardy errand to embark on. Nope. Just ask the man who had Andy Cole tattooed on his arm in a full Newcastle strip, or the even more heroic man who had Kaka tattooed over his heart whilst the rumors of a proposed move to City were still days away from Gary Cooke cussing his dad. Should these people be admired, ridiculed or studied in laboratories? What makes them tick? Who knows? But they probably shouldn’t be allowed to breed.
Probability of someone getting a tattoo of a new signing -6 (but9 if it’s at Newcastle or Manchester City)
9. Hijackings, real or pretend – Ever since pirating stopped being all about big cool ships and swinging on ropes and started being about scary men with automatic machine guns on speed boats with far less interesting hats, hijacking has become less fun. In football however, it still retains some modicum of entertainment and can often provide the big talking point in a transfer window. Who can forget Robinho’s sudden unexpected move to City when shirts baring his name were already being bought by Chelsea fans (and most probably burned, see No.5.) Hijacking usually involves the bigger clubs but more often than not involves no one at all, and is simply invented as a ruse by a cunning agent to strengthen his clients bargaining position. Arsenal and Manchester United have been on standby to hijack every single transfer this summer, like fiendish Scarlet Pimpernels hiding out at an airport departure gate, but have so far failed to do so. Probably because they weren’t actually going to in the first place.
Probability of a club hijacking another club’s transfer -5
Probability of a journalist/agent/internet rumor mill saying a club are going to hijack another club’s transfer -10
10. Crushing disappointment – If all the other variables are, erm, variable (even the ones I’ve confusingly giving a probability of 10) then the one thing that’s constant, assured and solid gold plated as fact is that the majority of fans will be left disappointed by the transfer window. Transfer windows are like most things in life, or even life itself. We all have lofty dreams, hopes and aspirations, but most of us, bar the exceptional few, never see them fulfilled. And in the end we settle, bitterly writing sarcastic articles about football, jaded and curmudgeoned at the ripe old age of 27. (Oh God!) Across the leagues, if you’re not a fan of the top dogs, you’ll likely have lost, or lose your best players to them. The most you can hope for is a decent bargain journeyman, a promising youth prospect or Robbie Keane to fill their place. Many clubs are broke or going so, and even if you’re a Villa, Arsenal or Spurs, proud historic clubs with legacy and little chance of going under, your chances of buying players as good as the ones you’ve lost (or look like losing) look slight. Even with the money. Even if you’re United, reigning champions and with millions already spent, chances are there’ll be a few who groan at the possible failure to sign a superstar after being linked with so many. Liverpool fans should be happy, and a few other clubs here and there, but in the end, the mega rich Decepticons of City & Chelsea aside, most clubs and fans will be happy to see the window close, so we get just back to the football. Sweet, lovely football. Well, until January.
