All right, mates? How am I? Don’t ask! What a flippin’ HELL of a week your little mate Craig’s just had! What? Beyond flippin’ belief! Don’t take my word for it, mind. Oh no. Just have a butchers at these excerpts from me diary:
SUNDAY: Heck of a day. Didn’t read the papers, didn’t watch SkySports. Just stayed coiled up in the foetal position, I did, under me hotel duvet. So flippin’ depressed. Had to get up eventually, mind, cos the squad is booked for a slap-up Sunday roast at the local carvery. Excellent meat, I must say, so I started to cheer up a bit. Mr Toshack told me that, as Captain, it would be a good idea for me to get up say some encouraging words while everyone was sipping their Irish coffees, so I did. ‘Listen up,’ I said. ‘This is your Captain speaking’. Someone shouted out, ‘Are we on a ship? Are we on a plane?’ while someone else went ‘PEEP! PEEP! and cried out ‘hornpipe!’ in a silly voice. I just stood on the table and fixed ‘em all with a stare. That shut them up. ‘Listen,’ I said. ‘You’re an absolute flippin’ disgrace, you lot are! You can’t defend, you can’t create, you can’t pass and you can’t score. I fact, you can’t play football at all, period. So, if you don’t suddenly start playing a thousand times better, we’re going to be thrashed on Wednesday, so pull yer fingers out!’ Mr Toshack had his head in his hands when I sat down again. I think he was genuinely choked with emotion at my rousing speech. I impressed meself, actually. A proper little Nye Bevan, I was!
MONDAY: Absolute bombshell to start the day: Salif Diao phoned – he’s only thinking of going on loan to flippin’ STOKE! Apparently he thinks there’s a good chance of him finding a decent property there he can turn into a first class gastro pub. ‘Where the flippin’ heck am I going to EAT???’ I asked him. ‘Don’t worry, Craig, mate, I’ve prepared plenty of meat-based gourmet meals that Jerzy will be happy to heat up for you as and when’. I said, ‘It won’t be the same! You know Jerzy – as soon as your back is turned he’ll be trying to get us eating that borscht again!’ What a flippin’ blow THAT is! Oh well, me court case has been postponed, so that’s a bit of a relief, like. I can concentrate on me captaining now. I do it all, me – bring the cones out, hand out the bibs, blow the whistle when I catch someone offside (Earnshaw is hopeless!). Oh yes, I’m a hands-on Captain, me, not like that hairy prima donna Giggs. Roy Evans was missing again from the morning training session. Apparently, according to Mr Toshack, he’s become obsessed with This Morning ever since he left Liverpool. Won’t do anything, go anywhere, while Phil and Fern are on TV. Seems a bit odd to me, that, but, to be fair, I hate ever missing Diagnosis Murder, so I can see where he’s coming from. They put all the good stuff on TV during the mornings and afternoons, these days – it’s flippin’ crackers.
TUESDAY: The missus was on the phone. She’s doing me family tree. Ever since that Who Do You Think You Are series came on she’s been going, ‘I’m going to trace your roots, luvver!’ I’m not that bothered, to be honest, but it keeps her occupied, that’s the main thing. Today she claimed that I’m related to Ralph Bellamy, the Hollywood star who acted alongside the likes of Cary Grant and Carole flippin’ Lombard! Result! He was even in that Trading Places movie with Eddie Murphy! Crackin’ movie, that – you don’t see it often enough on TV, in my humble opinion. ‘You certainly share the good looks, luvver,’ she said, and, to be fair, I suppose we do a bit. Ralph was a wee bit taller, mind, but we certainly have the same colour hair, I’ll give her that. Apparently I’m also related to Bryon 'Little Titch' Bellamy (a music hall act from the Victorian age), Ivor Bellamy (Cardiff's first midget publican, circa 1924) and Obadiah Bellamy, a sheep rustler, who was deported to Australia in 1797, so I think we’ll draw a discreet veil over that one, eh? I’ve had quite enough of THAT sort of publicity, thank you very much! Later on I decided to experiment by putting a bit of goat's cheese on top of me meat for supper. Tasty, but I won't be doing it again. Had a shocker of a dream during the night: I was in this huge great field, right, and every time I tried to go forward an enormous silver whistle fell out of the sky and crushed me! It was AWFUL! Step, step, step…BANG! Step, step, step…BANG! Over and over and over again. I woke up screaming: ‘Get this flippin’ whistle off me! Get it off!! GET IT OFF!!!! NOW!!!!!!’ Heck of a dream, it was! Me duvet was SOAKED with sweat! I called Roy Evans and said, ‘Please, Roy, let’s not use the whistle today!’ He just said, ‘I can understand completely why you don’t want it’. He must be flippin’ psychic!
WEDNESDAY: Cyprus! Redemption time for Captain Bellamy!! Had an early morning call from Robbie Savage: ‘Craig? It’s Robbie. I piggin’ hope you piggin’ humiliate yourself and your piggin’ team, you piggin’ midget muppet munchkin TWIT!!!!!!!’ ‘Oh, aye,’ I said, really cool, like, ‘Thanks very much, Robbie - I’ll bear that in mind’. End of call. Then I phoned him back: ‘Hey, Robbie’. ‘What d’yer piggin’ want now?’ ‘Just one thing, Robbie: how’s you hair?’ Click-Brrrrrr. That showed him! What an absolute GIRL! Had some meat for lunch – flippin’ delicious. I can see you get a better class of cut when you’re captain! Lovely it was! ‘Can I get you anything else, sir?’ said the waiter. ‘Just one thing,’ I said: ‘MORE OF THIS FLIPPIN’ SMASHIN’ MEAT!!!!’ Had to undo me trousers after, it was that good. Got ready for the big match: I went round doing me captain-type duties – telling Earnshaw not to get caught offside, telling Koumas to keep it simple and pass to me, telling Simon Davies to keep it simple and pass to me – then had a chat with Mr Toshack. ‘Don’t forget, Craig,’ he told me, ‘the offside…’ I put me hand up and winked: ‘Don’t you worry, Gaffer – I’ve had a word with Earnshaw already’. He looked all emotional all over again – I really do reckon he’s choked up by how well I’m taking to being captain. Then the match itself: we did quite well – a couple of goals – then came the Craiginator! I scored an absolute cracker of a goal! Sen-flippin’-sational! All of me relations were there to see it – even me cousin Daffyd, the scout master, who’s out on probation – so the Bellamys were flippin bouncing all night! I must admit I drank so much Tizer I threw up, but it was still a flippin’ blast!
THURSDAY: It gets better and better. Me sole agent/manager phoned up to say that, because of me HUGE exposure, I’m wanted to be the new face of Mini Peperamis! They’re going to do an advert of a cartoon peperami Craig, with his arms outstretched, smiling incredulously, going, 'OI!' then they’re going to have some sort of caption saying something like, ‘I'm only little, me, but I'm full of flippin' meat!’ The good thing is I’m promised a huge box of peperamis every month! Flippin’ result! Bought 20 copies of today's Western Mail as souvenirs. Furious to find the headline was nothing to do with my goal: ‘GET HIM, TIZER! BELLERS THROWS UP OVER TOSH’S FEET!’ What a flippin’ FARCE! Flamin' media! Did a bit of shopping in Cardiff: bought some socks, a sweater, a new pair of pants, a book about the history of sheep in honour of me new-found ancestor Obadiah, some vacuum-packed meat and the 2007 Corrs calendar. Then back to the hotel to pack. I gave me spare armband to the hotel receptionist as a memento. She said, ‘Oh, lovely, Mr Bellamy, we’ll get a display case and put that up just above the skirting board in the lobby to remind us of you!’ Which was very nice of her.
FRIDAY: Home again! Brought back some Yakult for the missus. She took one look at it – a case of no fewer than twenty pots – and, all casual like, said, ‘Oh, thanks, luvver, but I don’t have Yakult any more. No, I drink Activia now’. I was furious! ‘They’re all the same, aren’t they?' I said. 'They’ve all got flippin’ bacteria in them. They’ve all flamin’ well gone OFF!’ She said, ‘Oh no, luvver, Activia do a much nicer strawberry, the pot’s a nicer shape, and it helps me more with me body’s natural defences’. What a load of CONKERS! Flippin’ flamin’ women! They’re in a flippin’ world of their own, they are!!! I was so stressed out I got hold of the Yakult pots and started throwing ‘em out the kitchen window. ‘FROM NOW ON,’ I screamed, ‘YOU CAN GET YOUR OWN FLIPPIN’ FLAMIN' STUPID POTS!!!!!’ DING-DONG. Someone at the door. It’s only the flippin’ paperboy, isn’t it. That Lol lad. Covered from head to flippin’ toe in Yakult. Just my flippin’ luck! He said, ‘I’m going to tell my Dad you did this!’ Went to bed in a flippin’ HECK of a bad mood.
SATURDAY: Flippin’ HECK!! I only went and flippin’ scored, didn’t I!!! At flippin’ Anfield!!!! With a flippin’ HEADER!!!! I even got interviewed on flippin’ Match of the Day!!!! I was flippin' ECSTATIC!!! Afterwards, some flippin' idiot had scratched 'It was a piggin' fluke' on the side of me car, but not even that spoiled me good mood. Ged the security man said he'd checked the CCTV and it looked like some blonde girl did it. Probably jealous I'm not her boyfriend, I suspect. Oh well, I've got paint in me garage - sorted. Bought some chips and meat and went straight home to relax. ‘I’m not going to bed yet,’ I told the missus. ‘I’m way too excited! Where’s the Diagnosis Murder videos you did for me when I was away?’ The missus said: ‘Oh, sorry, luvver, I accidentally taped over them cos I wanted to record Strictly Come Dancing. FLIPPIN’ HECK!!
