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Just when you thought Newcastle have gotten their act together

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Mike Ashley is a drunk. Worse he is a drunk who gambles. A LOT.
And then rather than pay debts he gives people jobs.
What a fucking massive bulbous bellend.

Joe Kinnear. Fucking dark ages.
 
Mike Ashley is a drunk. Worse he is a drunk who gambles. A LOT.
And then rather than pay debts he gives people jobs.
What a fucking massive bulbous bellend.

Joe Kinnear. Fucking dark ages.
 
So Newcastle still haven't confirmed it. Is there any chance at all that he has simply dreamt this and convinced himself that he works there?
 
So Andy is off to Newcastle then?

No mention by the local press yet.

Joe Kinnear says signing a new striker is one of the first priorities as director of football with Newcastle United.

The Magpies intend to keep No 9 Papiss Cisse, but Kinnear is eager to bring a new centre-forward through the door in the coming weeks.

Kinnear has already held meetings with chief scout Graham Carr to look at the current shortlist of talent following a host of scouting missions in the last six months.

However, he is eager to ensure manager Alan Pardew has another frontman at his disposal before August’s big kick-off.

He told the Chronicle: “My first target is to find somebody who is going to get us 20-plus goals.

“That is my thinking. You look at the goals for column last year and it was worrying.

“You had Cisse on 13 goals and the next one down is Cabaye on six. That is a big gap.”

The Magpies have a big interest in Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang of St Etienne, who they see as a possible strike partner for Cisse.

The Ligue 1 star even attracted Mike Ashley to head to France on a scouting mission earlier this season but has attracted other interest from both Tottenham Hotspur and Monaco.

Yet, with Cisse leading the line for most of the second half of last season on his own, 23-year-old Aubameyang would fit the bill for Newcastle and would win respect from supporters if United could complete the deal.

Newcastle would have to pay £10million for the striker’s services but the player has expressed an interest in the Premier League before. Kinnear says he will lean heavily on Carr’s guidance in the transfer market which will reassure United fans.
 
Let's hope West Ham & Big Sam wrap up Andy's signing today then. That 15M will come in handy.
 
Appointment now confirmed by the club:

Newcastle United have appointed Joe Kinnear as the Club's new Director of Football on a three-year deal.
Joe will report directly to the club's Board as the senior executive in charge of all football-related matters. Chief scout Graham Carr and manager Alan Pardew will report into Joe.
Managing Director Derek Llambias said: "The board are pleased to welcome Joe back to the club. Joe has many years of experience working within the game, and this experience will be of great benefit to the Club in achieving our objectives over the coming seasons."
 
This is so much fun. How Kinnear sees Arsenal:

---------------------- Slytherins -----------------------
Sangria --- Vermillion -- Cockshiny --- Montreal
------- Weesher --- Crayola ---- Arteries ---------
------- Wartcod ---- Grouts ----- Poodleski -------


BNCqFizCcAAQHmp.jpg
 
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Kinnear Accidentally Calls Team 'Shitcastle'

30-01-09
NEWCASTLE United boss Joe Kinnear was left red-faced yesterday after accidentally calling his team ‘Shitcastle’.


beards.jpg

Can Shitcastle recpature the glory days of Peter Steptoe-Face?
With the club just two points above the drop zone and without a win in seven games, Kinnear said morale was low but he was certain that ‘Shitcastle United’ would avoid relegation.
Following Wednesday’s defeat at Manchester City, the manager told Sky Sports: “We face a tough couple of months after injuries to Michael Rubbish and Joey Criminal. We’re just lucky no-one has made a decent offer, as yet, for Shay Over-Rated.”
Kinnear then added: “It is difficult being the manager of Shitcastle. There’s a lot of pressure from the fans who look back on the days of Kevin Mental with so much pride.
“They remember players like David French-Ponce, Alan Tedious, Peter Steptoe-Face, and of course David Batty.”
Kinnear later corrected himself insisting he had a habit of mispronouncing names, adding: “I did exactly the same thing when I was manager of Wimblethugs, Luton Trounced and Nottingham Fuckwits.
“Sadly, this just smacks of a desperate attempt by me to finally get the sack.”
 
Kinnear off to a great flying start. Only the manager left to chalk off before he finds himself in the driving seat.
 
Debunking Joe Kinnear: A line-by-line analysis of THAT radio interview

18 Jun 2013 12:16
Because if you didn't think he had lost it already, then you sure as hell will do after reading this

talkSPORT: Good evening Joe Kinnear. How are you?
JK: Yeah, I'm fine.
He's started well. This is probably true.
TS: Ok Joe I suppose the obvious question is, Newcastle are yet to confirm your appointment, why is that Joe?
JK: Cos I only signed the contract last night. So that was someone speaking to Mike but it's been on-going for the last three weeks.
Derek Llambezee
Would that be Derek Llambias?
was the director of football.
Wasn't he managing director?
Derek has resigned now.

TS: OK. Reaction has been negative from the fans. Has that been a surprise?
JK: Yeah but it's only a certain section. It was exactly the same when I got there. I got over 10k letters when I had my heart attack and that was a wonderful thing and I felt really proud of that.
Hmmm, that is a LOT of letters.
I thought I'd done an excellent job there
Win percentage: 19.23%
and no way would we have gone down.
You would have done with your points-per-game ratio.
But the trouble is that there are a lot of Geordies up there who are influenced and upset and the fact is that because I stood up to about 100 journalists that night
Sounds like a lot, Joe.
you know, it was the night we beat Tottenham 2-1
No it wasn't
and I suppose the journalists always had it in it.
What?
And I am not saying all of the Geordie fans but many of them were sucked into it. If they looked at my job, what I done, carefully they would have said I done a good job.
So if they were to look at your paltry win percentage, for example?
TS: Has it upset you?
JK: Look it's part and part of the game today.
Parcel, Joe. Parcel.
You look at managers today over the last 2 seasons - the fans have feelings and if they aren't happy with what is going on the manager gets the bullet. Unfortunately for them I've never been sacked in my life.
What about Luton, Joe?
So you know, look at my record, they keep saying to me - what did I do? Where have these people been - have they been on another planet? I have played in five cup finals, I have won the lot.
Whatever way you frame 'I have won the lot', it's not true.
I had over 400 games for Tottenham Hotspur,
*PARP* 196 league games.
been manager of the year three times
Um, just the once actually Joseph
I have travelled all over the world as a manager. Now this job come up, which I thought was a fairly responsible job, but already they are jumping on the bandwagon 'Oh watch out Pardo, watch out', but that's the snidey press. That's the people up there or the people round that area that I have upset and they have a grudge so I expect it. It's water off a duck's arse.
The only thing that you can say about this sign-off is that anatomically it is probably correct. After all, where would the water go after it has run off a duck's back? Precisely. Joe Kinnear - anatidae anatomist.

TS: When did Newcastle first approach you about becoming director of football?
JK: About 10 days ago, when Derek resigned.
Remember this. 10 days.
TS: And that was the first you'd heard of it? You're on good terms with Ashley - you hadn't heard about it till then?
JK: Derek didn't resign until then. Derek has decided to go back and be in charge of finances. The job really is in detail that you've got to be in partnership with the manager and look at the strengths and weaknesses of the team. Look anyone who wants it. I had to do that as a manager with Bobby Gould beside me - look when you're at Wimbledon, there ain't no budget, you find the players yourself - there ain't no budget.
Well you managed to sign John Hartson for £7.5million in 1999, Joe. That's good work with no budget.
We didn't have any scouts and Bobby will tell you and we worked there at Wimbledon - well I did - for over 10 years.
And if you look what we had to go out: we went to non-league clubs and found players. We trained and worked them and then sold them for millions, as simple as that.
And bought players for £7.5million
So they say I haven't had any experience in buying and selling players - sure I have. I bought Dean Holdsworth for 50 grand
£650,000. Which is pretty much the same, ie 13x bigger.
and sold him for £3m.
I sold John Scales for £3m - he was a free transfer.
I sold Robbie Earle for x, y, z.
He outlasted you at the club and retired a year later.
I sold Marcus Gayle, Leonhardsen, Micky Harford, John Hartson, Hans Segers, most of them were free transfers.
Gayle wasn't. Leonhardsen wasn't. Harford wasn't. Hartson certainly wasn't. Segers we don't know.
And we sold to survive so I know exactly what type of players are needed and what type of players are needed to play. I played with some of the best players in the world at Tottenham, in the best team in the world in Tottenham, you know I have been through it every stage of my life.
Tottenham the best team in the world?
Unfortunately for some reason when I went up there I didn't dance to the tune of the Geordie media. I took no notice, I just got on with it. So whatever they have got to say, fine, say it. I'm single minded, I am not worried.
TS: Have you spoken to Alan Pardew since your appointment?
JK: I am meeting Alan tomorrow for lunch. I've spoken to him on the phone and we're having lunch tomorrow to discuss and have a game plan for the upcoming season.
TS: And to the best of your knowledge who has the final say on players coming into the club?
JK: We both do. We both do. He's the manager and we'll sit down and discuss it. We have Graham Carr [the chief scout] up there, he also has a say in it - we'll discuss it. We will look at the strengths and weaknesses between us. No one's got an ego. I haven't got an ego.
*HONK*
We will all sit down and discuss what's best for Newcastle football club. We'll discuss areas what's desperate - in my opinion we need a striker and I see that desperate - as my opinion. When I speak with Pards tomorrow he may see some other position that he wants to look better of or get a better player for that area.
TS: But will it be him instructing you or you instructing him?
JK: It will be 'who have we got in mind'. I shall ask Alan who he is seeing and I shall sit down with the scout - they seen those players, I want to cast my eye over them. It's as simple as that. I will have a look: if I say to them I've seen somebody better but what do you think? This is not about me coming in, not the crap that's being said, about me coming in taking over. It's absolutely nonsense. And then I read another article recently that I am coming and watch over your shoulder Pards. I mean, what a load of crap. And this is what's going out there. Unfortunately they're feeding it to all the Geordie fans and I just hope they're not daft enough to believe it.
TS: The interview that you did once with very 'limited English' in it do you regret that?
JK: Not really, I meant it at the time. I was just so fed up with them wanting me to dance a tune and dance to everything they want to say. I wasn't having it, I am a football manager, I just want to get on with it. Look we beat Tottenham that night 2-1 and the first question I was asked was 'how do you feel about everyone in the ground chanting there's only one Alan Shearer' - you know - and I don't think there was a person in the room that actually said well done. I think they were all gutted cos we won. And that's the way I see things and I'm not worried really.
This is virtually all completely untrue.
 
TS: Have you seen much Newcastle over the last season?
JK: Yes sure.
TS: And you mention they need strengthening up - is that the only area you think they need strengthening up front?
JK: I think they've got some magnificent midfield players: Tiote. Ben Afri [ Hatem Ben Arfa ], Yohan Kebab [ Yohan Cabaye ], Sissoko are very solid.

Up front if you look at the goals tally last season: I think we lost our top goalscorer in Demba Ba when he went to Chelsea for £7.5m or something like that, he was the top goalscorer with something about 13 or something like that. Then you had somebody like Sissy ( Papiss Cisse ) he was the next goal scorer with something like eight. And then after that there was a big drop into midfield where Cabaye and Hatem Ben Afri - you know, he got four and then Sissoko got three - the total wasn't much neither. So we need a prolific goalscorer to come in there and assist Cisse and I think that's one of the areas, there might be other areas, I mean this is a side I haven't had privilege to be with - a lot of players still there that were there when I was still there - I brought Krul to the club and I think he's a terrific goalkeeper.
He was at the club three years before you were, Joe.
Shola Amamobi [ Shola Ameobi ] is getting better and better, he's a young kid.
He is 31 years old, you may mean Sammy.
Galteirez ( Jonas Gutierrez) , and of course a lot of other players, Tails [Steven Taylor] is still there. Perch is still there. Ryan Taylor is still there so there's enough players still there but in my opinion, I still think we are short of quality players and we have to compete with the best in the Premiership but we need to be stronger.
TS: Do you think Newcastle will continue to buy French players or under you are you going to try and explore the UK market more?
JK: I think we will look at all the markets. I've got nothing against anybody as long as he's a decent player and he's quality player, it doesn't matter where he comes from, if he fits the requirements we're looking for. If he's the best right-back we've seen and he's better than what we've got then it makes sense to go and buy him.
TS: Graham Carr did a great job with the French lads, has there been a designated certain amount of money or will you have to go to Mike Ashley between the three of you and sort out what actual money is on the table for you to spend?
JK: I think Michael's a very generous owner and I think he's one of the best owners in the business to work for and I don't think Michael will mind when we give him our business plan. Of course it may mean that we make a decision between the three of us that we have players that we need to move on and they are not up to the Newcastle standards and then OK, we will look at that, if they are £2m plus, and we will move that around and three or four are going out and we will add that to the, excuse me, to the tally of what players we going to sell.

We'll make money on certain players, we know that, but we will be getting the finance to come in and take other players and if we spell out to Mike it's a serious situation where we do need a quality striker then I'm pretty sure he'll pay up. He wants us to be successful don't get me wrong, he doesn't even want us to be in the position that he found us. We finished fifth two seasons ago and last season we were something like 15th or 16th from the bottom and he doesn't want that.
15th from bottom would be... oh forget it.
I think the year we finished fifth we had something like 65 points and this year we have gone to 41 points and so there was a big deficit of 24 points, so that is a big loss, so I want to sit down with everyone who was involved with us last season and find out the reasons why and if can all put that knowledge together then we'll make sure that we mend that.
Maybe someone might not have come up to scratch or maybe we were weak in certain areas of the pitch or we may have been struggling on things but once we all sit down and all meet together in pre-season and then we get a game plan and get it going. There's lot to do. If you remember the last three home games we didn't score a goal. Liverpool, Sunderland, Arsenal, where's the goals coming from?
TS: Joe, listen, thanks for coming on. Before I let you go, is there anything you would like to say to the Newcastle fans who perhaps don't don't back this decision?
JK: To all the Newcastle fans who don't do this decision then shall I bring Lambezi back? What do you want, what do they want? I heard that silly comment what can I attract. I can open the door to any football manager in the world, anyone.
*HONK*
That's the difference. I spend my whole life, picking up the phone, talking to Alex Ferguson, week in, week out, what would you do, what would you do? Pick the phone up at any time of day and speak to Arsene Wenger.
I can pick the phone up and speak to any manager in the league, any manager in all divisions. So I don't know what angle they've got. If they want to sit down and argue with me, some of them are talking out their backsides, a load of tosh and I'm not accepting it. It's as simple as that. I've certainly got more intelligence than them, that's for sure.
*HONK*



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It's really a marriage made in madness. They had some fans' representative on earlier, saying, 'We're a fairly open-minded bunch of supporters, we always give people a chance...' He said it with a straight face, too!
 
Latest episode:

Shearer said: "People are laughing at the football club I support. And that sickens me."

But Kinnear responded by saying: "What Shearer says is diabolical. This is a guy who hasn't got a clue about coaching.

"In the last game of the 2008-09 season he came up with the master idea of playing Damien Duff at left-back.

"Damien is one of the best left-wingers in the business, but can't tackle. And we went down with an own goal from Damien.

"Shearer is being disrespectful to me. I am entitled to fight back."
 
The move makes more sense now it's been revealed that Pardew and Clarke hate each other and weren't communicating. So it was fairly sensible to bring in someone to smack their heads together. But then you're still left with the madness of choosing the old bloke you know from dahn the pub in London.
 
Snippets from his Sunday Times interview:

Kinnear is set on disproving some of the misconceptions — fuelled partly, he admits, by his own comments — that have built up over the past week. The 66-year-old heads up to the loft of his north London house to find the programmes setting out his record. In another room he produces three mementoes to back up his assertion — widely mocked in the media — that he was named Manager of the Season three times. The League Managers’ Association selected him only once.

“They [the media] are lying. I am right. Come and I will show you the three awards,” Kinnear says, duly producing the LMA Manager of the Season Award 1993-4, the Sky Sports Manager of the Year award 1996 and a riband for Manager of the Year as voted for by Daily Mirror readers in 1997. Point proven? Perhaps not, but on such evidence Dublin-born Kinnear bases his scrap for acceptance.




Getting down to more immediate events, the Newcastle deal was said to have been agreed over a bottle of red with Ashley at the Orange Tree pub/restaurant in Totteridge. “I only ever go into the restaurant there with my wife,” Kinnear says. “Me, Mike and Derek Llambias [the managing director who resigned on Wednesday] had lunch and a glass of wine at the Rising Sun [another London gastropub nearby] last Saturday. Derek has been at all the meetings. Then we went back to Mike’s place to finish the deal off. Derek was telling me he was not sure what his role would be. He said, ‘Welcome aboard’.”



“Yohan is a brilliant player and I didn’t pronounce his name right. But I didn’t say ‘Kebab’. I said Keba and they put the ‘b’ on to it. They made a meal of it, no pun intended. Typical journalists, but it is my own fault and I regret what I said about the supporters.



“The benchmark for success this season would be the top 10 and work from there. We are a top 10 side and I don’t see why we should not have a good go at the FA Cup. I think we can win a trophy in the three years that I am there, but as I said I don’t pick the team and I will only interfere with the training. It is as simple as that but nobody wants to write it.”
 
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