Ok so my best buddy Paul and me are out on the pull in Maidenhead and he is chatting up this (in hindsight rather looney bird) and she is giving him all kind of come ons, and one thing leads to another and he goes back to her house (he was my flatmate) and over the coming weeks he begins to move in with her slowly but surely.
Before he does this, his Ex girlfriend Paula has asked if she can stay at ours for a while (paula was half brazilian and her mother was a brazilian hooker, and her and Paul had moved down from Boro together and had been getting on fine untill she started to fuck other guys) he says yeah cos what the fuck harm can it do, and as he begins to move out, she begins to move in. She also moves her HUGE asain boyfriend in, and he moves about four of his fucking mates in and they begin to.....well what could only be described as 'Run a drug business' in my fucking living room, and i am trying to sleep at night and hearing them take turns to fuck this silly whore in my fucking kitchen and shit, and they never EVER put fifty cunting p in the meter and sit in the fucking dark and then say yo Andy, we need tricity!! CUNTS.....ive digresed
So Paul has moved in with Jan, and her two kids aged 8 and 4 and he is playing daddy, and they drink white wine and listen to shite music and watch porn and its all fucking wierd, cos i can see Pauls soul dying but he tells me he is happy. Then our mate jon says that she tried to come onto him when Paul and me were out, and we are like 'Fuck off Jon' and we get on with our days/ Then one night Paul goes to get something (probably more cunting white wine) from the shop, and she grabs my cock and says he doesnt need to know or something like that. Im off and running, back to the house of horrors. The next day She phones and says it was a drunken mistake and it will never happen again, and i give her the benefit of the doubt, cos i dont want to hurt Paul, and i am irresistable (once you get to know me, and if you dont like Don mclean 'Chain lightening') so we go about our business, i take to popping round in the afternoons on my way to do deliveries for work just to make sure she isnt fucking anyone else, and talk eventually turns to Marraige.
She is a manic depressive who almost constantly tries to kill herself and drinks to cover that up, but Paul reckons a wedding will sort her out a date is set and we all go to Swainby in Yorkshire where Pauls family live for the wedding and its ace (this is where the amazing poo in the pocket story comes from) and everything seems good, and they go on honeymoon, and maybe Paul was right and everything would be okay.
Some time later Paul turns up on my doorstep (ive moved) and tells me she has kicked him out, because she believes he is untrustworthy. He says its over and asks if i fancy going away for a weekend and go to Nottingham where we hear its 5-1 in favour of women, but i cant fucking get off work so i bail and he goes with Jon ane he fucks a fat girl called Claire (which we all know is a fat girls name) and when he gets home i tell him jan has been round and is sorry and wants him back, so he goes to patch things up and things seem okay untill Jons conquest phones and spills the beans about the fat girl and Jan goes apeshit (which i dont get, cos they were on a break
) and tells him its over forever and he comes back to my house, and a day later she says she has forgiven him, cos they were on a break and all.
And he goes home and she makes him swear he will never ever fuck another fat girl called Claire, and he does cos he's a good guy. And then she says she understands, and she lays him on his back and begins to suck his dick, and then she climbs on top and start fucking him and he notices she is crying and gradually the tears are turning to wails as she is fucking him, then she starts to shout i forgive you and she punches him in the face. Paul says (i guess) 'WHAT THE FUCK' and she keeps fucking and says im sorry and punches him in the face again, and he tries to get up and she fucks him down and punches him screaming saying hes a bastard and he's scared now and tries to get up, but she fucks him down and keeps fucking him and punching him in the face and screaming and then she cums, he cums, she says i cant forgive you ever and kicks him out. And that was fucking that!!!!
We later find out that she has been cheating on him the whole length of their relationship, including on her hen night, on their WEDDING DAY, and throughout the whole relationship, including telling him she couldnt trust him and kicking him out and moving her ex IN for three days. She was nuttyer than squirrel shit that cunt.
Hes happily married again now with two beautiful twin girls, and we never EVER talk about that time.