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Depression

Discussion in 'The Vault' started by Dylan, Nov 27, 2011.

  1. Dylan

    Dylan Active Member

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    I've been thinking about posting on this subject for a while now but the news of Gary Speed's death has pushed me to do so now.

    I was diagnosed with depression in February 2010. Prior to my diagnosis, I didn't understand depression and I certainly didn't think it was an actual illness, more a state of mind from which sufferers should just 'get over' or pull themselves together. How wrong I was.

    Depression is a vile illness. It does horrible things to people, sufferers and their loved ones. It takes you to horrible, dark, lonely places where even the most common everyday experiences, places and people can be truly terrifying.  Some people say its like being at the bottom of a dep pit you can't climb out of. I disagree, the pit isn't so deep...but the way out is just out of your reach.

    The guilt I felt from being diagnosed was like nothing I've ever felt before. I'm happily married to a beautiful, clever, funny woman who also happens to be my best friend. We have three fantastic, healthy kids. I have a good, well-paid job, nice house, two cars, great holidays every year. I have a great circle of friends, people who would do anything for me.

    So what the hell did I have to be depressed about?

    That's when I started to discover depression is an illness and like other illnesses, it is no respecter of who or what you are.

    There'll be other people on this site who have it or have had it. There'll be others who have experienced it through a close loved one. And there'll probably be some of you who will feel it at some time in the future.

    My advice to anyone who thinks they may have it is to find out for certain. See your doctor and get a diagnosis and then start to deal with it. Accept that you'll have bad days like everyone else - you're entitled to these - but there's a world of difference between having a bad day and suffering from depression. If you're offered it, take counselling; enter it with an open mind and be truthful throughout. And then there's the medication. Treat this with respect. Take it as its prescribed and more importantly, come off it as you're advised. Give yourself time. If you try to rush your recovery, this thing will come back and hit you again.

    Finally, take some time to understand your condition and its causes. If you don't know it, you can't beat it.

    Oh and I'm down to my last 5 low dose pills. I'll take one every other day for the next 10 days having started to take myself off them two months ago. I hope I won't ever need them again but if I do, I'll be ready next time.
     
    mwake likes this.
  2. Athens

    Athens Greatest Bloke Ever [Citation Needed] Member

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    That's a good, honest post Dylan. Wishing you all the best in your fight against depression.
     
  3. the count

    the count SCM's least favourite muppet Honorary Member

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    That is a brave post mate and I am fairly certain you have spoken for a good many people on here who suffer similarly to yourself.
    Hopefully you and all the others can make a full recovery from this horrible illness.
     
  4. Avmenon

    Avmenon Well-Known Member

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    He is speaking for me, anyway.
     
  5. StevieM

    StevieM SCM's resident Beer Nazi, Wine Snob & Comic Geek Honorary Member

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    It's funny - I've been trying to do the 1 pill every other day for a few weeks, after being on them, albeit as mild a dose as you can get, for about 3 1/2 years.

    I can feel the edginess creeping back - December isn't an ideal month for me to be trying this.

    Went to bed last night, very late and tired and almost out of nowhere that feeling of mild panic set in over nothing. Depression can be a horrific thing to go through because it can be so hard to control and your right, no matter what support network you have around - there's just this feeling that you can do nothing to get out of it.
     
  6. Dylan

    Dylan Active Member

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    [quote author=StevieM link=topic=47687.msg1432970#msg1432970 date=1322407978]
    It's funny - I've been trying to do the 1 pill every other day for a few weeks, after being on them, albeit as mild a dose as you can get, for about 3 1/2 years.

    I can feel the edginess creeping back - December isn't an ideal month for me to be trying this.

    Went to bed last night, very late and tired and almost out of nowhere that feeling of mild panic set in over nothing. Depression can be a horrific thing to go through because it can be so hard to control and your right, no matter what support network you have around - there's just this feeling that you can do nothing to get out of it.
    [/quote]

    All the very best with it mate. Just give yourself time...stick with the pills until the new year and see how you feel then. If you're ready fine, if you're not its not a race. Look after yourself.
     
  7. Judge Jules

    Judge Jules SCM Addict Member

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    Congrats to you for your honesty, eloquence and courage. We'll all be pulling for you and Stevie.
     
  8. Atlas

    Atlas Well-Known Member

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    What is it? Mild panic has been mentioned but I kinda assume its the general feeling of feeling crappy and low.

    A girl I used to work with suffered from it and it was very difficult for her to do some tasks, she had a point where she couldnt leave the house but managed to work through it. She would just say that sometimes the simplest of tasks would set her off and would leave her panicking.
     
  9. StevieM

    StevieM SCM's resident Beer Nazi, Wine Snob & Comic Geek Honorary Member

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    Ah look I'm fine - I've been managing, what is in reality milder depression for as long as I can remember.

    Panic can set in over anything. Fear might be a good description or feeling anxious about something - things randomly preying on your mind. Something you've said or done, sometimes years ago.

    It can lead to insomnia or not being able to leave bed. It can leave you incapable of going to work or scared what'll happen when work isn't there to take your mind off things.

    Anxiety about seeing or speaking to other people, which can make even the simpliest tasks hard - going to the shop for food - answering the phone.
     
  10. Dylan

    Dylan Active Member

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    [quote author=Atlas link=topic=47687.msg1433073#msg1433073 date=1322412538]
    What is it? Mild panic has been mentioned but I kinda assume its the general feeling of feeling crappy and low.

    [/quote]

    It can manifest itself in so many different ways. With me, it could be extreme self-doubt, obsessive behaviours (repeatedly checking the same thing over and over), feeling intimidated even amongst a small number of friends, but mainly catastrophising everything...in other words always seeing the very worst of every situation. To overcome this, i would just retreat into myself...which was actually the worst thing i could do. Then you feel incredibly low which in turn makes you feel incredibly guilty and so it starts all over again.
     
  11. Atlas

    Atlas Well-Known Member

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    I'm trying to understand the difference between feeling tired, over worked, stressed about everything from work family finances and depression.
    I'm sure there is a thin line there, which is why people often say 'ooh just pull yourself together and get over it, you should be thankful etc'..that line is often crossed but seems when an individual does others don't see it?

    I'm pretty sure my mum has suffered from depression for a while, she was taken to the doctors by my sisters and would refuse to take the medication when she was given it. She has good and bad days but I kinda think they will get worse as pretty much all her children have left home.
     
  12. Dylan

    Dylan Active Member

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    [quote author=Atlas link=topic=47687.msg1433276#msg1433276 date=1322417326]
    I'm trying to understand the difference between feeling tired, over worked, stressed about everything from work family finances and depression.
    I'm sure there is a thin line there, which is why people often say 'ooh just pull yourself together and get over it, you should be thankful etc'..that line is often crossed but seems when an individual does others don't see it?

    [/quote]

    With respect, it isn't a thin line. Depression is an illness...what you've described are pressures/worries. We all have those but people with the illness that is depression aren't able to deal with them as well as others.
     
  13. Spionkop69

    Spionkop69 Get the cretins out! Member

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    [quote author=Dylan link=topic=47687.msg1432940#msg1432940 date=1322405757]
    I've been thinking about posting on this subject for a while now but the news of Gary Speed's death has pushed me to do so now.

    I was diagnosed with depression in February 2010. Prior to my diagnosis, I didn't understand depression and I certainly didn't think it was an actual illness, more a state of mind from which sufferers should just 'get over' or pull themselves together. How wrong I was.

    Depression is a vile illness. It does horrible things to people, sufferers and their loved ones. It takes you to horrible, dark, lonely places where even the most common everyday experiences, places and people can be truly terrifying.  Some people say its like being at the bottom of a dep pit you can't climb out of. I disagree, the pit isn't so deep...but the way out is just out of your reach.

    The guilt I felt from being diagnosed was like nothing I've ever felt before. I'm happily married to a beautiful, clever, funny woman who also happens to be my best friend. We have three fantastic, healthy kids. I have a good, well-paid job, nice house, two cars, great holidays every year. I have a great circle of friends, people who would do anything for me.

    So what the hell did I have to be depressed about?

    That's when I started to discover depression is an illness and like other illnesses, it is no respecter of who or what you are.

    There'll be other people on this site who have it or have had it. There'll be others who have experienced it through a close loved one. And there'll probably be some of you who will feel it at some time in the future.

    My advice to anyone who thinks they may have it is to find out for certain. See your doctor and get a diagnosis and then start to deal with it. Accept that you'll have bad days like everyone else - you're entitled to these - but there's a world of difference between having a bad day and suffering from depression. If you're offered it, take counselling; enter it with an open mind and be truthful throughout. And then there's the medication. Treat this with respect. Take it as its prescribed and more importantly, come off it as you're advised. Give yourself time. If you try to rush your recovery, this thing will come back and hit you again.

    Finally, take some time to understand your condition and its causes. If you don't know it, you can't beat it.

    Oh and I'm down to my last 5 low dose pills. I'll take one every other day for the next 10 days having started to take myself off them two months ago. I hope I won't ever need them again but if I do, I'll be ready next time.
    [/quote]

    We are not alone. Its time to take the stigma away from depression being something that people don't or won't talk about it. I was diagnosed with it a 6 weeks ago, although in fairness I've probably been suffering for a few years.

    What brought it home was one evening where I just couldn't stop crying and was just rocking on my bed. I felt the lowest I've ever felt and although I've never contemplated suicide, I felt that things would be easier if I were dead. Total self doubt, total self loathing.

    Sometimes just getting up is a chore and people use the "get up you lazy git" or "man up and get on with it". Well it ain't that simple.

    I am being treated for it and I will beat it but that black dog has been over me for a long time. I have had an awful bout this week and managed to fight it but broke down last night after I'd put the kids to bed and again at 6am this morning. For those of you who have met me, I'd like to think that you found me extrovert and happy (but a bit of moany cynic) but I can honestly say that so much is me needing to be liked to convince myself that I am likeable.

    Everyone's depression is different and gets triggered in many different ways. As Dylan says its an evil illness and touchs more people than you think - one in four people will be diagnosed, many more don't. That's hundreds of millions worldwide.

    Good luck Dylan, I'm at the start of my journey but the black dog will not control my life forever. I will beat it.

    This is what Stan Collymore had to say this morning. It struck a massive chord with me....

    It's 4:48am in the morning(Sat 26th Nov 2011),and i'm wide awake.

    I decided to tweet my own personal experience of my latest bout of Depression yesterday,and firstly wanted to thank the hundreds of messages from friends,journalists,mental health workers,doctors,and sufferers,as well as well wishers.It's very humbling to read the stories of fellow sufferers,links to blogs,and general experiences of this awful illness.

    I want to elaborate on what Depression is for me,as the illness has so many facets,and varies from bout to bout ,that it can be hard to explain to a fellow sufferer,never mind someone fortunate enough to have never been afflicted!


    I've spent so much time with Depression sufferers who have anxiety,irrational fear,too much sleep,not enough,that it's hard to pinpoint one "thing" that Depression is or isn't.All i know is that depending on the severity of the bout,it can be made of mainly one or all of these things,so i'll explain this latest bout,and what it's effect is.

    I keep myself in really good nick,i run 10k every week day,and only not go to the gym or exercise at weekends,when i commentate on football for talkSPORT.The running i find really has helped massively,as i'm sure you guys that suffer who exercise find,the tangible release of calm,and "being on top of things" powers your internal dynamo,and keeps the black dog from the door.


    Around 10 days ago however,i started to feel anxiety,which grew into irrational fear,which in turn turned into insomnia for 3 days(little sleep,and an incredibly active,negative mind),that in turn over last weekend(Swansea v Man United) into Hypersomnia,whereby my energy levels dipped to zero,and my sleep went from 8 to 18 hours overnight.


    So i went from last Saturday at the gym,running 10k as i normally do,looking forward to working,to Tuesday morning being unable to lift my head from the pillow, feeling like my body had been drained of any life,my brain "full" and foggy,and a body that felt like it was carrying an anvil around.

    So fit and healthy one day,mind,body and soul withering and dying the next.This to me is the most frightening of experiences,and one fellow suffers i'm sure will agree is the "thud" that sets the Depression rolling.

    Once it hits,then cause and effect start to kick in.I sleep 18 hours a day,so i don't see sunlight over sometime a period of a week(my worst ever bout,i spent a month in bed),which i'm sure a doctor then would tell me makes the body shut down even further.My personal world grows smaller,i detach from friends and family,partly out of self preservation,partly not wanting them to see the man bounding around days ago,now looks visibly older,weaker and pathetic.


    I eat less,my personal space gets smaller,none of the vain grooming of days before,as bathing,washing,and even going to the loo seem almost impossible.So its me,pyjamas,bed and increasingly despairing thoughts of how long this one will last,a tired,desperately tired but wildly active mind burns through its own blue touch paper until the paper ends,and there is simply nothing left.


    That's the point when the practicality sets in,and not a nice one(and incredible to think when you finally get well).

    Suicidal thoughts.


    Thankfully i've not got to that part yet,and in my last 10 years only once or twice has this practical reality entered my head,and practicality its is,unpalatable the thought may be to many.

    Why a practicality? Well,if your mind is empty,your brain ceases to function,your body is pinned to the bed,the future is a dark room,with no light,and this is your reality,it takes a massive leap of faith to know that this time next week,life could be running again,smiling,my world big and my brain back as it should be.So what do some do? They don't take the leap of faith,they address a practical problem with a practical solution to them,and that is taking their own life.And sadly,too many take that route out of this hell.


    I'm typing and my brain is full,cloudy and detached but i know i need to elaborate on what i'm going through because there are so many going through this that need to know it's an illness,just an illness.Not bad,mad,crazy or weak,just ill,and that with this particular illness,for its sufferers,for family and friends who are there but feel they can't help,you can!

    Patience,time,kindness and support.That's all we need.No "pull your socks up",no "get out of bed you lazy git",just acknowledge the feedback the sufferer gives,get them to go to the GP asap,and help them do the little things bit by bit.

    That may seem simple but in my experience,and currently as we speak,having a bath,walking for 5 minutes in the fresh air,making a meal,all things that days before were the norm,seem alien,so friends and family can help ,just by being non judgemental,and helping in the background to get the sufferer literally back on their feet.

    I hope that if you are suffering,or know someone that does,that a little insight into someone elses experiences might resonate with one or two and give them the comfort of knowing that there are millions out there like us that deal with this reality in our lives.

    We contribute like everyone else,so treat us like everyone else.

    You are not alone,there are millions of us.
     
    doctor_mac likes this.
  14. Dylan

    Dylan Active Member

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    That's an incredibly powerful post Spion and i hope you get strength from having written it. What amazes me is when you read other peoples' experiences you can recognise so much of your own. You're on the way mate, take your time, don't push yourself and i wish you all the very, very best.
     
  15. Sunny

    Sunny Guest

    Dylan, Spion,Stevie, Avvy. I think you are all strong and brilliant people. Keep fighting lads and things will work out.
     
  16. Spionkop69

    Spionkop69 Get the cretins out! Member

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    [quote author=Dylan link=topic=47687.msg1433502#msg1433502 date=1322430031]
    That's an incredibly powerful post Spion and i hope you get strength from having written it. What amazes me is when you read other peoples' experiences you can recognise so much of your own. You're on the way mate, take your time, don't push yourself and i wish you all the very, very best.
    [/quote]

    Thanks mate. My Dad had suffered so badly in the past and I used all of those phrases about him that are negative before I understood what it was. I feel very guilty about it now, but glad that I am able to have an understanding of my Dad and realise some of what was going on.

    Stan Collymore's post almost mirrors me. Its so uncanny. I am awake at a similar time every morning. I love my job, and I mean LOVE my job and yet I struggle to get up and go to work. I love LFC and yet for a year now, I've been so apathetic about them - and that's not Roy Hodgson's fault. I adore my family yet getting my kids up, dressing them and bathing them was a chore. I wanted to do it, but I couldn't.

    Sadly, I think my depression of rather the lack of recognition of depression has cost me my marriage and the ability to spend every day with my kids. But that is the reason that I am spurred on to beat it - I've allowed it take something from me, I can't let it take anything else.
     
  17. Spionkop69

    Spionkop69 Get the cretins out! Member

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    [quote author=Sunny link=topic=47687.msg1433507#msg1433507 date=1322430309]
    Dylan, Spion,Stevie, Avvy. I think you are all strong and brilliant people. Keep fighting lads and things will work out.
    [/quote]

    Cheers mate.
     
  18. Skullflower

    Skullflower Part of the Furniture Member

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    this is all bollocks. everyone knows thatcher invented depression to fiddle with unemployment statistics.
     
  19. Piedro

    Piedro Very Well-Known Honorary Member

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    John, you're a great fella and loved by many, just remember that ok x
     
  20. StevieM

    StevieM SCM's resident Beer Nazi, Wine Snob & Comic Geek Honorary Member

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    The bitch. I knew it would be her fault somehow.
     

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