All right, mates? How am I? Don’t ask! What a flippin’ HELL of a week your little mate Craig’s just had! What? Beyond flippin’ belief! Don’t take my word for it, mind. Oh no. Just have a butchers at these excerpts from me diary:
SUNDAY: An outing to Stoke today for the opening of Salif Diao’s new bistro, The Hungry Biscan. I had Aubergine, Red Pepper and Mozzarella Ravioli in a Creamy Vodka Sauce, followed by some top quality meat, with White Chocolate Hazelnut Entremet for dessert. Flippin’ first class. Salif and I had a good old natter about Ready, Steady, Cook – we agreed it is blatantly rigged – and we also expressed our shared disdain for ITV’s weekend cookery shows, which are, to be brutally frank, absolute conkers. Then Salif gave me a doggy bag with some extra meat in it and I set off back home. Spotted a bright pink Cillit Bang 4x4 parked outside the house, so I drove off to a local carvery for an Irish coffee and a tiny bit more meat before finally setting off home. ‘Oh, hello, luvver,’ the missus said. ‘You’ve only just missed our Barry – he’s cleaned every penny in the house!’ I just about kept me cool: ‘That’s nice for him’. The place absolutely reeked of that flippin’ horrible stuff. It would have spoiled me Sunday if I hadn’t remembered that doggy bag, which I took upstairs and ate in bed. Well, I’m a flippin’ professional footballer, me, and I can do what I like. (Actually, the missus came up and went absolutely berserk, for some reason, so I finished it in the kitchen, but I chose to do that – there was no, or very little, coercion involved.)
MONDAY: Flippin’ HECK! I can barely believe what happened today. I’d just finished training, right, and young Mark Gonzalez said, ‘Hey, Craig, where you going?’ I explained I was off to buy some tickets for the forthcoming Tony Christie concert at the Preston Alhambra, so he said, ‘Oh, then why I not give you a lift, no, in my brand new sporty motor car, yes?’ ‘Okay, mate, why not?’ Oh my giddy aunt! I got in this flash car, right, just started putting me seat belt on and then VROOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!! – we went off at about 200 miles per hour! The flippin’ ‘G’ forces were sucking me into the back of the flippin’ seat! ‘What are you doing, man, what the flippin’ heck are you DOING???’ He was absolutely mental! ‘Ha-Ha, is good, no? Yes. We go faster!’ Me lungs were somewhere near me flippin’ ARSE! ‘Think of Richard Hammond, man, I BEG of you! We are going to have a flippin’ accident!’ Then – I kid you not, he starts reaching under his seat, and pulls out this can of Red Bull and starts flippin’ DRINKIN’! He’s laughing so much it’s coming out his flamin’ NOSE! ‘Ha-ha-ha! We party, no? Yes, Craig, my friend, we party-party! We go to Cream, Modo, Newz, Baa Baa, KrazyHouse, Blue Bar, Havana-‘ ‘You’re WAY too eclectic, man, and, anyway, I’d miss Diagnosis Murder – I urge you to-‘ ‘Ha-ha-ha! Then we have nachos and beer and maybe go on to Garlands-‘ ‘Garlands? GARLANDS???? Are you flippin’ CRAZY? I’m WELSH, me!’ Oh my God, by this time I was flippin’ flamin’ desperate. ‘Mark, man, that was a red light! And-and that was another!!’ The lad was flippin’ NUTS! Then, sure enough, CRASH! We removed half of a flippin’ Daewoo Matiz! If I hadn’t been strapped into a buggy seat I think I would’ve been a gonner! I managed to get out, covered in flippin’ sticky Red Bull and bits of nachos, grated cheese, jalapeno peppers and flippin’ God knows what else, absolutely shaken like billy-ho! I just exploded at Gonzalez. ‘How dare you, sir! How DARE you! You’re a flippin’ MANIAC!’ But that wasn’t the end of the hassle. Oh no. A bit later, Drystan, me sole agent and manager, phoned from Pwllheli (where he’s convalescing after yet another hip replacement operation) with more bad news: the launch of the Craig Bellamy Steak Knife Collection has been postponed until March 2007, due to ‘unavoidable production problems’ in India. Really flippin’ peed off, I was. At least the Craig Bellamy Junior Kagool, Balaclava and Bib are ready for inclusion in the Xmas Argos catalogue! Fan-flippin’-tastic! Imagine that: me actually IN an Argos catalogue! Flippin’ superb!
TUESDAY: Well, that’s just flippin’ CHARMING! Got a call from Mr Toshack this morning, right in the middle of eating some hot meat. ‘Hello, Craig. Giggs is fit again so you’re back to being vice-captain again. Bye bye, look you’. Flippin’ flamin’ Giggs! No one with that much hair over his body can be quite right, in my book. Anyway, there was no time to dwell on the gross injustice of it all, as I had to travel to a primary school in Oswestry for the latest session of ‘The Craig Bellamy Soccer Clinic – as sponsored by Mini Peperami’. It’s part of me deal as the Face of Mini Peperami – travelling round to schools, having a bit of a kickabout with the little lads (I say ‘little,’ but most of ’em are about two foot taller even than yours truly – I don’t know WHAT they feed ’em on these days, but I want some of it!). I can’t say I’m that comfortable with the fact that I have to wear a ‘Mini Peperami’ costume for the sessions – I feel a bit of a tool, to be honest, with me arms stuck out and me body covered with rubber-based Italian sausage, and I sweat so much I end up about a stone lighter – but it’s good fun otherwise. The one irritation was the standard of the flippin’ refereeing, which was absolute CONKERS! Apparently the ref was Mr Davies, the Science teacher. Well, the offside rule ain’t flippin’ rocket science, Mr Davies, but you still managed to wrongly penalise me for being ‘offside’ FORTY flippin’ times! And I expect that yellow flippin’ card to be rescinded pretty damn quick, you flippin’ flamin’ Hitler! Absolute madness! Thought I’d have some dinner afterwards, seeing as I was given a complimentary canteen token, so I got me tray and joined the queue. ‘Hello, luv, I’ll have some meat, please’. This big woman serving said: ‘Sorry, sonny, but this is a Jamie Oliver Gaylord Salad Bar these days – would you like a tomato, a bit of leaf and a slice of cucumber?’ Would I HECK!!!! Thankfully there was a big box of Mini Peperami I was meant to distribute to the local schoolkids, so I sat in a corner and flippin’ well tucked in. Felt a bit sick after I’d finished – they’re a bit greasy when they’ve been on the radiator for a bit – but still a smashin’ taste! Drove back - heck of a busy week this week for driving - and just managed to catch the last twenty minutes of today's episode of Diagnosis Murder, which I'd seen before, actually, but was still surprised by the ending. No sign of the new Argos catalogue, which I'd been thinking about all day. Really irritated.
WEDNESDAY: Well, the day got off to a disastrous start when I opened the fridge door and found…no meat! I know some people might think I go on too much about this meat business, but, well, flippin' heck: it's MEAT! Yesterday, I had made a point of checking TWICE on me mobile that the missus knew we were out of meat and she needed to collect me new order from Morrison’s – and STILL she forgot! Oh yes, she remembered the pots of flippin’ flamin’ Yakult all right! Yeah, they were all lined up ready for drinking! But no meat! I mean, NO FLIPPIN’ MEAT!!!! I didn’t have any breakfast at all, I was in no mood for her ‘Have some toast, luvver’ nonsense. Drove into Melwood feeling weak and very, very angry. Birmingham away tonight in the League Thingy Cup. Me comeback. Dudek in the tunnel: ‘You should try borscht again, Craig, it taste-‘ I looked up at Jerzy and said, ‘Mention that HORRIBLE dish one more time, Jerzy, and I promise you: I will shave your flippin’ BEARD off and FRY it!!!!!’ What was worse was I was flippin’ STARVING! Then the game started – flippin’ idiot ref blowing every time I so much as looked at the flippin’ ball. Then, at last: PENALTY!!!! That’s mine! Grabbed the ball, put it on the spot, got meself ready. Okay, this is going right in the corner, right? Certain goal for your mate Craig, eh? On his comeback and all! Rub the hands and lets get merry, eh? But then it happened. Just as I ran up…I started thinking about ‘possibilities’. The Gaffer’s voice an’ all. Why hit it there, Craig, when you COULD hit it here, or there, or…RIGHT!’ Missed! What absolute CONKERS!!! A minute later, and a flippin’ dream ball into me feet in front of goal…ANOTHER MISS! A flippin’ air-shot!!! What the flippin billy-ho is going on???? I blame it on the lack of meat, me. It was like flippin’ Samson all over again. No hair for him, no meat for me, same result: flippin’ disaster. I just stood there, arms outstretched, incredulous grin on me face, saying, ‘Oi! OI!!! REF!!!!’
THURSDAY: Dirk Kuyt and his missus are about to move out, so we had ‘em round for nibbles and a glass of Welsh Merlot. They’re a decent sort of couple, and old Dirk is much happier since I arranged for that monthly box of Mini Peperami goodies to be sent to him secretly at Melwood. ‘Here’s to Liverpool’s top two strikers: Dirk and Colin!’ said his wife, toasting us with a pot of that flippin’ yoghurt drink. Why so many of the Dutch can’t pronounce the name ‘Craig’ I really don’t know, but, then again, they’re a flippin’ odd bunch at the best of times. A busy day for me tomorrow, so I just chilled out for the rest of today. Watched David Dickinson’s Real Deal on the telly in the afternoon – what a load of rubbish THAT was! I was so enraged I actually wrote him a letter:
‘Dear David Dickinson,
Your ‘Real Deal’ was a REAL BORE!!!
Best wishes,
Craig Bellamy
Controversial footballer,
Liverpool player and
Vice-Captain of Wales.
P.S. Please can I have a Nodding Buster?
Really pleased with that play on words! Then it was Deal Or No Deal - tense today, very, very tense - and then straight to bed. Must get some new pillows - these ones are flippin' soft. Really spoilt me sleep, they did. Woke up in a HECK of a mood!
FRIDAY: Tried to spread a bit more of the Bellamy magic today. I was guest speaker at me old school, Rhymney High, in Cardiff, as part of the National Anti-Bullying Campaign. The Headmaster got up and said: ‘Now, boys and girls, I’m sure you all know who this gentleman is. It’s Craig Bellamy, the controversial football player! Now, Craig went to school here, and, because he was a very, very, very little lad, he was sometimes bullied by the other, much, much, much taller, boys and girls. They would call him cruel and nasty names, such as ‘Titch,’ ‘Shorty,’ ‘Squirt,’ ‘Tidgy,’ ‘Tiddler,’ ‘Tiny Tim,’ ‘Tom Thumb,’ ‘Mickey Mouse,’ ‘Midget,’ ‘Midge,’ ‘Munchkin,’ ‘Muppet,’ ‘Monkey Boy,’ Mini-Monkey,’ ‘Micro Monkey,’ ‘Gonk,’ ‘Short Arse,’ ‘Half-Pint,’ ‘Pipsqueak,’ ‘Pixie,’ ‘Craig Kranky,’ ‘Craig Below-The-Knee,’ ‘Craig I-Can-Barely-See,’ ‘Craig Blimey-He’s-So-Tiny,’ ‘Craig Blimey-He’s-So-Tiny-He-Blow-My-Mind-Hey-Mickey!-Hey-Mickey!,’‘Craig-’ ‘Yes, yes, thank you, Headmaster, I think they’ve got the picture!’ I was getting a bit miffed, to be honest. Anyway, I got up on the box Mr Jones, me old Woodwork teacher, had kindly provided, and launched into a right old rousing speech. The bell went half way through it, so me best jokes were drowned out as all of the kids ran out, but I'd made all me key points by then, so I felt pretty pleased with meself. The Headmaster certainly seemed impressed, cos he patted me on the head with real affection and gave me some money for an ice cream (which wasn't necessary, but was appreciated, none the less).
SATURDAY: Got a letter this morning from ITV. Interesting. I opened it:
Dear Colin,
David Dickinson has asked me to thank you for
taking the time and trouble to write. Like all ITV1
daytime shows, David’s programme is a real
‘people’ programme, so it is always a pleasure to
hear from its fans. David sends you his best
wishes, and, remember…’Keep bidding!’
Yours sincerely,
Ellie Smythe-Watson
PA to Mr David Dickinson
What absolute CONKERS! That’s the last time I’ll be wasting my time watching THAT load of rubbish! Watched Strictly Come Dancing in the evening with the missus - I have to admit it's grown on me, that show, and I'm seriously starting to think about putting in for next year's series. Well, I mean, if that flippin' flamin' red-nosed smurf Peter Schmeichel can do it, then Craig Bellamy certainly can. I can just picture it: arms outstretched, rose in me mouth, incredulous grin on me face, going: 'Oi, OI! LEN!!!'
