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Depression

Discussion in 'The Vault' started by Dylan, Nov 27, 2011.

  1. McNulty

    McNulty SCM Follower Member

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    My mum suffered quite severely with depression and anxiety when I was younger. All of it began when she had a stomach ulcer and was told she would have to stay in for some sort of treatment. She worried herself into a state of panic over something very routine. This panic lasted almost 5 years and she was admitted into a psychiatric hospital on a couple of occasions. I will never forget one particular time when I was about 14 and she was in the depths and was in floods of tears knowing she was going to be admitted again, begging me to help her. I felt so useless and really didn't know how to handle it. To be honest I was embarrassed by the whole situation, as cuntish as that sounds, and never spoke to any of my friends about it ever. I just bottled it all in and never spoke a word. In fact none of my friends knew about it until 2 years ago when I randomly told then almost 10 years later. It felt amazing to get it out and speak about it and they actually had similar experiences although not as close to home.

    My mum is off medication now and seems to be her old self, but there are days when you can tell she is not right. Watching her overcome her troubles to the extent she has made me appreciate how strong a bloody woman she is and my admiration for her cannot be measured.

    Approximately two years ago I was working a shitty full time job in an office with no prospects. Although I liked the people in the job and it was easy I knew I had no future in this basic admin job. One day I was on the way to work and my mind was racing and I went in and sat down and couldn't think straight. I was getting really warm and could feel my face burning up and getting really short of breath. I went to the toilet and felt really dizzy on the way and splashed cold water on my face but on the way back I was hit with a sharp pain in my stomach which rose to my chest, it felt tight and caused me to double up. I was so embarrassed as I had to hobble over to the manager and somehow tell him what was going on. I was sent home and my mum asked me what had happened, I just passed it off as something else. The same thing happened about two weeks later and my manager rang my mum to come and get me as he was worried. I had to explain to my mum what happened and she was adamant that I'd had a panic attack. She was trying to get me to go to the doctors for months when eventually I decided that if it was a panic attack the cause could only be my job.

    So I am now back at uni, studying a course which I like and I'm doing well. If what I had were panic attacks I hope to god it's the last I ever see of them. It is a bastard of an illness.

    Good luck to anyone suffering. With strength and support you can get through it.
     
  2. Delinquent

    Delinquent Very Active Member

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    [quote author=Dylan link=topic=47687.msg1433668#msg1433668 date=1322467187]
    I think it's really important more people understand more about depression. A number of people have commented in the Gary Speed thread about how he couldnhave done such a thing to his wife and kids.

    Once you've been diagnosed with depression, doctors and counsellors ask everytime they see you if you've had any thoughts aboutnself-harm or taking your own life. The first few times I was asked, I said I hadn't.

    But then at one of my sessions with my counsellor, she told me about risk-taking which is very common amongst people with depression. You think you're invincible (nothing to lose?) and start taking risks you wouldn't usually take. Your mind blocks everything else out - the risk itself, the danger or hurt you're exposing your loved ones to, everything goes and you plough in with taking your risk.

    This struck a chord for me because a few days prior, I was driving at night on an open motorway...not a car to be seen ahead or behind...and i just decided to see how fast i could go. Believe me, i was absolutely flying. Then all of a sudden i realised if i flipped the car, i was a deadman, no chance of surviving at the speed i was going. I got one hell of a fright.

    When i told my counsellor she said this was very common and one of the risks they always look out for. With many suicides, the person involved perhaps hasn't tried to take their own life, they've just tried to see how far they can go and then something has gone wrong and they've suffered a terrible accident.

    Either way, the experts say that at the point of suicide, the last thing on the person's mind is their family...so it's not so selfish afterall.
    [/quote]

    Yeah, my mum has suffered with depression all of her adult life (and continues to do so), and has taken numerous overdoses, and even slit her wrist on one occasion. My brother found her in the bath.

    When she tried to take her own life, she honestly thought she'd be doing us all a favour. That's what depression does to you - it takes normal, rational people, and robs them of all perspective. It creates a cycle of self-loathing that is almost self-perpetuating. The more you do things that hurt your family, the more you hate yourself. No amount of telling that person you love them and forgive them seems to work - such is their demeanor that they will always convince themselves that you're just saying it to be nice, or whatever.

    I must admit to being incredibly frustrated over the years by her inability to mend herself. She has had to put up with a fair bit in her life, but for a while I struggled to get my head around how such a rational human being could regress so badly. At her worst, all ability to reason goes out of the window, and she becomes what can only be described as a frightened, disobedient child (her depression largely stems from her childhood, or lack thereof, so the fact that she becomes this child is very probably connected). In conjunction with heavy drinking and frequent overdoes, it is a remarkable (and often quite horrifying) transformation.

    She fell seriously ill with a Brain disease recently, and depression continues to threaten her recovery. It's almost like the more sentient and aware of her condition she becomes, the more the depression returns. She suffered another setback recently and it has taken her progress (in terms of cognitive function) back somewhat. Which in turn has meant that the depression has subsided a little. So it almost becomes a choice between having someone who isn't quite all there, but is nevertheless fairly content, or someone who is perfectly self-aware, but hopelessly depressed. I'm really not sure which one I prefer. It really is such a horrible illness, and one that affects so many lives, not just the sufferers. I have not suffered with depression myself, but there's no doubt it has played a significant part in my life.

    To all those in this thread who are suffering, congratulations on being bold enough to speak about it, and face your depression head on. Everyone's situation is unique, but I'm sure there are many things we can all relate to here, and such displays of honesty and strength offer inspiration, and perhaps a bit of solace, to those who feel alone right now.

    I'll just finish on something I said to my mum some years ago. Just try and love yourself like the rest of us love you. Best of luck guys.
     
  3. LeTallecWiz

    LeTallecWiz Mo(ssa)d Administrator

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    Del's last line is fitting ... Good luck to all of you ...
     
  4. monsieurdantes

    monsieurdantes Active Member

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    When something is wrong with your body, it is accesible, you can test it, measure it, and determine a specific diagnose of what the illness is. And then a specific treatment for it.

    However, the brain is not as well understood or accessible. I'm sure just like the body, there are very specific illnesses characterised by something happening in your brain. However there is no means to easily test that. Instead the doctor is reduced to you telling him or her about various symptoms, and they subsequently bunch all of them together and call it "depression". I'm sure depression is actually made up of lots of different individual illnesses which have very little relation to each other.

    I mean you have depression. I have aspergers syndrom. But we share an awful lot of these little individual illnesses in common because we have really really similar symptoms. So saying someone has "depression" or "Aspergers" is just a really crude approximation. It's no wonder different drugs work or don't work for different people. Because even though you all have depression, you don't all share the same underlying illnesses. I'm sure also that depression has a genetic component to it, just like autism does.

    The unfortunate thing is the way people look at it. I am actually pround to have aspergers, I like that part of me and would never change it or get treatment. Even though I get exhausted, lose energy, suicidal thoughts, insomnia, not leaving my room... despite that there's still a sense of self pride with aspergers. I feel sad that people with those same symptoms but labelled with depression have a negative attitude attached to their problem. I think that makes it worse and stops you from coping cos it just feeds back into itself and you get worse and worse.

    I can list half a dozen postive and brilliant things I get from having aspergers. And I love those things and they help me cope with the bad stuff. Surely depression can't be that different? It's just difference in your brain compared to a neurotypical brain. Are you telling me those differences are all negative, every single one of them? That there is no postive aspect to depression at all? I think if people didn't immeadiately jump to the negative things that depression causes, it will give the sufferes a chance to focus on things which make them better. And you can hold on to those and cope with the bad stuff.

    If you tell someone that what is wrong with them is just bad bad bad and more bad. a) its false. and b) it makes it impossible to cope. If I had to guess I'd say depressed people never take a their happy days for granted. And they have the ability to remember those days so vividly. You can make people stop and realise how beautiful something is which they don't notice otherwise. Then in your thoughts you can start coping by saying well, I had to suffer all those dark thoughts but it was worth it if I could make someone else smile in a situation they had no reason to smile in.

    Of course everyting I've just said can go get fucked if I commit suicide tomorrow.
     
  5. Skullflower

    Skullflower Part of the Furniture Member

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    is anyone on this forum not suffering from depression?
     
  6. Sunny

    Sunny Guest

    I would imagine there are plenty who aren't. Do you suffer from it Skully ?
     
  7. Fabio

    Fabio Former mod, consistent c*** Honorary Member

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    I've had niggling concerns I did have it, but over the last few months I've started to pick myself up from years of self loathing, wallowing and dark thoughts.

    also why I often no show or am exceptionally quiet at drinkies. it's the nerves. I get nervous before I go to work sometimes, where I am watching the clock countdown until I have to get ready. I feel like I might be sick the closer it comes .

    /vent
     
  8. Skullflower

    Skullflower Part of the Furniture Member

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    [quote author=Sunny link=topic=47687.msg1433950#msg1433950 date=1322495327]
    I would imagine there are plenty who aren't. Do you suffer from it Skully ?
    [/quote]

    no, i don't. i've deffo been depressed in the past but never suicidal or anything.
     
  9. Skullflower

    Skullflower Part of the Furniture Member

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    tbh, i've always thought i'm boss so depression never had a chance with me.
     
    Woland and (deleted member) like this.
  10. Y1

    Y1 Splash Member

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    [quote author=Skullflower link=topic=47687.msg1433924#msg1433924 date=1322493285]
    is anyone on this forum not suffering from depression?
    [/quote]

    I suffer from our depressing inability from winning at home!
     
  11. Sunny

    Sunny Guest

    [quote author=Skullflower link=topic=47687.msg1433965#msg1433965 date=1322496360]
    [quote author=Sunny link=topic=47687.msg1433950#msg1433950 date=1322495327]
    I would imagine there are plenty who aren't. Do you suffer from it Skully ?
    [/quote]

    no, i don't. i've deffo been depressed in the past but never suicidal or anything.
    [/quote]

    I'm not sure I've ever been clinically depressed. Certainly felt really down about things many a time but I don't think it's ever come to full blown depression. Having a shit time in work at the moment and feel really low about some stuff but I'm working on putting that right
     
  12. Skullflower

    Skullflower Part of the Furniture Member

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    [quote author=Sunny link=topic=47687.msg1433977#msg1433977 date=1322496836]
    [quote author=Skullflower link=topic=47687.msg1433965#msg1433965 date=1322496360]
    [quote author=Sunny link=topic=47687.msg1433950#msg1433950 date=1322495327]
    I would imagine there are plenty who aren't. Do you suffer from it Skully ?
    [/quote]

    no, i don't. i've deffo been depressed in the past but never suicidal or anything.
    [/quote]

    I'm not sure I've ever been clinically depressed. Certainly felt really down about things many a time but I don't think it's ever come to full blown depression. Having a shit time in work at the moment and feel really low about some stuff but I'm working on putting that right
    [/quote]

    i reckon that's just normal. life is a bitch sometimes.
     
  13. HC

    HC Very Well-Known Member

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    I've got an absolutely amazing ability of switching off when shit starts getting to me. I don't hide from it but I just become totally devoid of any emotion or feeling on the matter, i've been told I become totally cold on things, i'll work out how im going to adapt or resolve whatever the problem is and move on from there. When juggling shitty problems I break them down and tackle them one at a time, else it just builds up and rather than getting depressed I find myself getting more angsty, mad and a bit skittish to be honest.

    I'm quite methodical when shit goes wrong, I was always told when I was little you either laugh or cry when shit goes to fuck, I'll always laugh and pick myself up and march on.

    *Everyones different & i'm not saying i've been through some things that some people will have but yeah, it works for me.
     
  14. Piedro

    Piedro Very Well-Known Honorary Member

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    [quote author=Fabio link=topic=47687.msg1433956#msg1433956 date=1322495707]
    I've had niggling concerns I did have it, but over the last few months I've started to pick myself up from years of self loathing, wallowing and dark thoughts.

    also why I often no show or am exceptionally quiet at drinkies. it's the nerves. I get nervous before I go to work sometimes, where I am watching the clock countdown until I have to get ready. I feel like I might be sick the closer it comes .

    /vent
    [/quote]

    Big bro's will look after you at next drinkies x
     
  15. robinhood

    robinhood Very Active Member

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  16. Buddha

    Buddha Well-Known Member

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    Best of luck to the lads who have spoken up about their struggles with honesty and courage. This place is great sometimes.

    Spot on from Darkstar about meds too.

    monsieurdantes (as ever) adds to the topic. There's an assumption in the medical model that depression is a "disease" rather than a "dis ease" with life. To take the long view, being forced down into the murky depths and deadened parts of oneself (counter-cultural to our manic search for constant happiness/youth in the West) can bring surprising benefits once the hell of it has been lived through. I've had 5 years of intensive (4 times a week) personal analysis which I experienced much as an intentional (in that I continued of my own will) breakdown/depression during which I experienced long periods of despair and acute existential anxiety. It was hellish at times and uplifting at others, but I wouldn't change it for the world now.

    Dan
     
  17. Judge Jules

    Judge Jules SCM Addict Member

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    [quote author=Buddha link=topic=47687.msg1434085#msg1434085 date=1322512348]
    Best of luck to the lads who have spoken up about their struggles with honesty and courage. This place is great sometimes.

    Spot on from Darkstar about meds too.

    monsieurdantes (as ever) adds to the topic. There's an assumption in the medical model that depression is a "disease" rather than a "dis ease" with life. To take the long view, being forced down into the murky depths and deadened parts of oneself (counter-cultural to our manic search for constant happiness/youth in the West) can bring surprising benefits once the hell of it has been lived through. I've had 5 years of intensive (4 times a week) personal analysis which I experienced much as an intentional (in that I continued of my own will) breakdown/depression during which I experienced long periods of despair and acute existential anxiety. It was hellish at times and uplifting at others, but I wouldn't change it for the world now.

    Dan
    [/quote]

    Speaking as someone who's had his share of down times (though thankfully not to the same extent as a number of others on here) I'd say that highlighted bit is what proves it was all worthwhile. I'm delighted for you that you're able to say that.
     
  18. Loch Ness Monster

    Loch Ness Monster Very Active Honorary Member

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    [quote author='Dave' link=topic=47687.msg1433726#msg1433726 date=1322478243]
    Is medication really the answer?? Is it a stop gap?? Or do some people stay on the tablets forever because if they stop taking the medication the depression comes back??
    [/quote]

    I think the medications make the lows more bearable and less negative, frequent and harmful, but I have noticed that they make the highs less so. I think that counselling is the main mechanism for dealing with depressive episodes, the medication can provide the confidence and platform to actually get you to the counsellor.
     
  19. Atlas

    Atlas Well-Known Member

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    Firstly I really do feel for those suffering from this illness, I pray all those involved are able to make a full recovery and those affected by it because friends or family suffer or suffered from it are given patience to help them tackle the tough times.

    Re me' saying it was a thin line sorry if I offended anyone I'm just trying to figure the thing out. For those affected has there been any mention of a hormonal imbalance that affects or trigger panic attacks? Though I'm
    Sure it has been around for a while have cases increased recently etc?

    Re Gary speed does anyone know if it was depression? I mean all I know that was reported was he was found hanged in his home. The while thing about he had everything and loved by all etc, for those on here who are suffering surely their friends and family know or have cottoned on?
    It's not the Gary had everything and so no way suffered from depression thing, it's more of a he might well have done but surely family or close friends would have known? Just a little confused and trying to understand.
     
  20. gene hughes

    gene hughes Part of the Furniture Member

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    Calm down, Asim.
     

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