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What is the shittest sport ever invented?

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Spionkop69 said:
You can play on your own. Is just that you have no standing on the course with regard to two, three and four balls.

So you have to let them all play through and they do not have to recognise you if they are holding you up. Most people though will let you play through. It's just that they can fall back on that "rule" if they decide not to.
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That there steaming pile of shite is the sort of thing I detest about golf clubs :)

That and all the other shite about filling in cards accurately - how the fuck am I supposed to remember if its my 15th or 26th shot on a particular hole.

.... and if the ball accidentally veers off the tee in to a river or lake after coming in to contact with my driver - off course it was just a practice shot.

Also... It's sexist. Why do ladies get their own tees to play off.

I want to be able to say - "I say old chap, with my handicap I think it would be perfectly spiffing if I hit off the retards tees - what?".
 
I've never been a member of a golf club, but I did play snooker quite a lot in my teens and the only place to play in my village was at the club for old folks down the road - and that was a bit like being a junior member of a particularly stuffy golf club. I think they basically resented that they'd agreed to let kids join (it was only effectively for old people, in theory it was open to everyone). As soon as we started using it regularly they'd come up with all kinds of petty complaints. I remember one of the old bastards storming into the snooker room cos he thought we were 'hitting the balls too hard'. Then they installed coin-operated meters for the table lights, which is a bit of a hassle when you're 14 years old and don't have any money, let alone neat stacks of 20p coins. So my friends and I just ignored them and carried on playing in tolerable gloom without the lights: they then thought up a new rule that you 'HAD to use the lights, and HAD to pay', because 'otherwise how would they be able to pay for the installation of the meters' that we hadn't asked for.

That's the problem with retired people, they go potty having nothing to do all day except read the Daily Express. Anyone sane is off enjoying their last years in the South of France.
 
peterhague said:
I've never been a member of a golf club, but I did play snooker quite a lot in my teens and the only place to play in my village was at the club for old folks down the road - and that was a bit like being a junior member of a particularly stuffy golf club. I think they basically resented that they'd agreed to let kids join (it was only effectively for old people, in theory it was open to everyone). As soon as we started using it regularly they'd come up with all kinds of petty complaints. I remember one of the old bastards storming into the snooker room cos he thought we were 'hitting the balls too hard'. Then they installed coin-operated meters for the table lights, which is a bit of a hassle when you're 14 years old and don't have any money, let alone neat stacks of 20p coins. So my friends and I just ignored them and carried on playing in tolerable gloom without the lights: they then thought up a new rule that you 'HAD to use the lights, and HAD to pay', because 'otherwise how would they be able to pay for the installation of the meters' that we hadn't asked for.

That's the problem with retired people, they go potty having nothing to do all day except read the Daily Express. Anyone sane is off enjoying their last years in the South of France.
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Were they wearing braces?. If they were you could have told them to fuck off!
 
peterhague said:
I've never been a member of a golf club, but I did play snooker quite a lot in my teens and the only place to play in my village was at the club for old folks down the road - and that was a bit like being a junior member of a particularly stuffy golf club. I think they basically resented that they'd agreed to let kids join (it was only effectively for old people, in theory it was open to everyone). As soon as we started using it regularly they'd come up with all kinds of petty complaints. I remember one of the old bastards storming into the snooker room cos he thought we were 'hitting the balls too hard'. Then they installed coin-operated meters for the table lights, which is a bit of a hassle when you're 14 years old and don't have any money, let alone neat stacks of 20p coins. So my friends and I just ignored them and carried on playing in tolerable gloom without the lights: they then thought up a new rule that you 'HAD to use the lights, and HAD to pay', because 'otherwise how would they be able to pay for the installation of the meters' that we hadn't asked for.

That's the problem with retired people, they go potty having nothing to do all day except read the Daily Express. Anyone sane is off enjoying their last years in the South of France.
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I fucking hate old cunts like that.
 
Red Astaire said:
Thanks Portly - I might blag Spion into a game or two. He's bloody good apparently.
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Bloody good is an exaggeration! I'm off 13 at the mo. Had my first swing of a club in 5 months last week and came 2nd (out of 25) with 40 points. I'd have taken half that before I started, in the cold, wet/sleety and windy conditions. Still can't putt very well though.
 
Spionkop69 said:
Bloody good is an exaggeration! I'm off 13 at the mo. Had my first swing of a club in 5 months last week and came 2nd (out of 25) with 40 points. I'd have taken half that before I started, in the cold, wet/sleety and windy conditions. Still can't putt very well though.
Click to expand...

How many points does a hole in one get you?
 
Stableford works on this basis:
Net bogey - 1 point
Net par - 2 points
Net birdie - 3 points
Net Eagle - 4 points
Net albatross - 5 points

If your handicap is 18, you get one shot per hole
If your handicap is 24 you get 1 shot on holes with stroke indexes 7-18 and 2 shots on 1-6
If your handicap is 14 you get 1 shot on holes with stroke indexes 1-14 and none on the other holes.
 
Spionkop69 said:
Stableford works on this basis:
Net bogey - 1 point
Net par - 2 points
Net birdie - 3 points
Net Eagle - 4 points
Net albatross - 5 points

If your handicap is 18, you get one shot per hole
If your handicap is 24 you get 1 shot on holes with stroke indexes 7-18 and 2 shots on 1-6
If your handicap is 14 you get 1 shot on holes with stroke indexes 1-14 and none on the other holes.
Click to expand...

If it's sunny and you're ginger, does that count as a handicap?
 
Forty points of 13 is a very nice score J.
Especially with the prevaling conditions.
I am off fourteen at the moment having drifted from an all time high off thirteen last year.
Part of me can't believe that I can actually play golf now without totally embarrasing myself while another part of me wishes that I gave enough of a shit about the game to have actually taken lessons and practiced in the past so I might even be half decent now.
The thing I like about golf is that you could be, and probably more than likely will be, a better player at fifty than you were at twenty five.
We shall play a round together some day sir.
@Spionkop69
 
the count said:
Forty points of 13 is a very nice score J.
Especially with the prevaling conditions.
I am off fourteen at the moment having drifted from an all time high off thirteen last year.
Part of me can't believe that I can actually play golf now without totally embarrasing myself while another part of me wishes that I gave enough of a shit about the game to have actually taken lessons and practiced in the past so I might even be half decent now.
The thing I like about golf is that you could be, and probably more than likely will be, a better player at fifty than you were at twenty five.
We shall play a round together some day sir.
@Spionkop69
Click to expand...

Thank you sir!

I'm a far better golfer now than I was at 30. Less testostorone and more calculation. That game of golf sounds like an excellent plan.
@the count
 
That's a great thing about golf - you can carry on playing it until you drop dead! You find that the old guys don't have much of a backswing, but the ball goes straight down the middle. :D
 
Golf is sporting heroin. You start, display decent initial technique that forges encouragement, think you have a propensity for it, spend a load of cash on it, never improve (you won't, you're shit and always will be), become lodged in a vacuous circle of dependency, become bitter, realise the only pleasure you get out of it is the 8 pints afterwards, then pack in.
But when the US Masters comes around, you'll get the old 'set' out of the garage. Brilliant.
That said, I like golf!
 
LarryHagman said:
Golf is sporting heroin. You start, display decent initial technique that forges encouragement, think you have a propensity for it, spend a load of cash on it, never improve (you won't, you're shit and always will be), become lodged in a vacuous circle of dependency, become bitter, realise the only pleasure you get out of it is the 8 pints afterwards, then pack in.
But when the US Masters comes around, you'll get the old 'set' out of the garage. Brilliant.
That said, I like golf!
Click to expand...

You'd be much better off just playing table tennis. That's much more fun, especially when you absolutely batter a winner past a shocked opponent.
 
LarryHagman said:
Golf is sporting heroin. You start, display decent initial technique that forges encouragement, think you have a propensity for it, spend a load of cash on it, never improve (you won't, you're shit and always will be), become lodged in a vacuous circle of dependency, become bitter, realise the only pleasure you get out of it is the 8 pints afterwards, then pack in.
But when the US Masters comes around, you'll get the old 'set' out of the garage. Brilliant.
That said, I like golf!
Click to expand...

Heroin makes you fall asleep (I believe) , as does golf with me.
 
It's wrestling. The hugest bunch of arse I've ever seen.

Clearly only for people of limited intelligence.
 
I've just been bought some golf lessons by Mrs Astaire. Really looking forward to it. I believe it's something I could really get into.
 
Red Astaire said:
I've just been bought some golf lessons by Mrs Astaire. Really looking forward to it. I believe it's something I could really get into.
Click to expand...
She couldn't have given you a better present! Most of us pick up the game as we go along. This means that we get into bad habits that are impossible to eradicate, and mean that we can never get to be better than average.
 
Portly said:
She couldn't have given you a better present! Most of us pick up the game as we go along. This means that we get into bad habits that are impossible to eradicate, and mean that we can never get to be better than average.
Click to expand...
Actually it was at your suggestion that I got them. I think I mentioned it in passing to her after you said about getting lessons. So a big thanks to you too. :) Whether I'll be any good or not remains to be seen!
 
Red Astaire, you are the first person this year to take any notice of something I have said. You can't imagine how good that makes me feel. :)
 
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