All right, mates? You had a heck of a week, eh? I can sympathise - because I have had an even WORSE week than that! Your mate Craig has had one ruddy HECK of a flippin' week! What? Oh, yeah! Don't get me started. Absolute heck of a week, me! If you don't believe me, just take a look at me diary:
SUNDAY: Big day for your mate Craig today: I had to attend the ‘Anglo-Based Welsh Personality of the Year Award (2006)’ Ceremony alongside Charlotte Church, weather forecaster Sian Lloyd, Ian Hislop and Paul McCartney’s friend Victor Spinetti. We all had a three-course meal at the Meat Carvery in Cardiff, followed by a glamorous presentation doo-dah that was supposed to have been hosted by Sir Tom Jones, but apparently he couldn’t make it because his car had broken down, which was a blow. Anyway, the overall winner was going to be presented with a special plaque, some book tokens worth a total of £50 and the ‘Silver Key to the Eisteddfod VIP Area for 2007’. I was all excited, me. We had a group picture taken, which had to be taken again because I was on the back row the first time round and you couldn’t flippin’ see me. Of course, Charlotte flamin' Church was as rude as you'd expect. I tried to be civil - you know, I glanced up at her boobs and said, 'Did you grow them yourself, luv?' - but she was dead common, just saying 'Put a sock in it, fish face!' and then swanning away all regal like. Idiot woman. I wasn’t impressed at all by that snobbish Hislop bloke either – it turns out he was born in Wales – in Mumbles, to be precise - and then taken over the border pretty damn sharpish, like, and he didn’t even know who I was! The vice-captain of flamin’ Wales and he didn’t know me! You could not make it up! Victor Spinetti kept on talking about The Beatles – ‘Oh, John said this, oh, John said that, oh, Ringo had one of those, Paulie called yesterday…’ I mean, give it a flippin’ rest! That Sian Lloyd – funny-looking woman, her, with flippin’ horrible hair and a weird mouth – asked me if I had a prediction, so I said, just for a laugh, like: ‘Yes, Sian: “The second half of next week will probably continue unsettled and possibly turning cooler, with strong West or North-Westerly winds and wintry showers bringing snow to the higher hillsâ€.’ She has no sense of humour whatsoever, that woman, even though she’s always flippin’ smiling. She said, ‘You deserve another slap, titch!’ I must say I thought that was quite uncalled for. Anyway, Max Boyce, who was standing in for Sir Tom, announced the result: ‘The winner of the Anglo-Based Welsh Personality of the Year Award (2006) is…Miss Charlotte Church!’ What absolute CONKERS! Gutted I was, absolutely gutted! Went back to play some carpet bowls at me Mam and Dad’s place, just to calm down a bit. 'You're not appreciated anywhere near enough, Craig,' me Mam said, and I have to admit she's not wrong.
MONDAY: Woke up really fed up. Had some meat, put some gel in me hair and went out for a walk. I saw this dog and I thought, ‘He has a good life, that dog. And he can lick his own balls. And no one tells him to eat salads’. The more I thought about it, the more I thought that dogs are flippin’ superb. I decided to take this one home. We’d bonded. He was white with a bit of brown over one eye and very little neck to speak of, and I think he was smiling at me. Absolutely magnificent. I’d gone half-way down our street with him under me arm when this bloke shouted out, ‘Oi! Sonny! Where are you going with our dog?’ I said, ‘Eh? He’s a stray, ain’t he?’ This bloke comes out – he’s just in pants and a vest, paper under his arm, mug of tea in one hand - and says, ‘No, Sherlock Jnr, he's not. He’s got a tartan overcoat on, a bone medallion round his little neck and a collar that says “Our Walterâ€. And I think you’ll find that he’s been chipped!’ Absolutely gutted, me. I still want a dog, though. I’m a dog sort of lad. Dogs like me. I like dogs. A lot. And I WILL have a dog. Whatever the missus says. No time today, though. Had to get a Christmas present for the Gaffer. Hard work. Very hard work. I went all over the place. In the end I went to WH Smith and got the Julio Iglesias ‘Career Classics’ quadruple box set, which comes with a free tapas kit. No idea if this is going to be right for him, but the bloke who served me was very insistent - so on his head be it. Still couldn’t stop thinking about that dog. Watched Carry On Christmas on the free DVD I got inside me paper at the weekend. I must say I was quite impressed – very subtle, and very funny. I think we’ll be watching that one again in the Bellamy household over Christmas.
TUESDAY: Heck of a start to the day today. Ding-Dong! Door bell. It was that flippin’ PEST of a paperboy, Lol. I said – very cool, like - ‘Aye aye, sonny, what do you want?’ You will not believe the reply he came out with: ‘Christmas box, please!’ Eh? ‘You know, a bit of cash thanking me for delivering all your papers throughout the year!’ I nearly fainted then and there! ‘What,’ I said, ‘you mean I give you some of me hard-earned cash to thank you for delivering unwanted extra copies of Wales Today every month, not delivering any copies of the much-wanted Guns & Gunmen, and screwing-up and/or creasing me copies of Nuts, FHM, 4-4-2 and TV Quick???’ He gave me one of them sarky looks: ‘Yeah’. I could have smacked him. ‘I’ll bear it in mind,’ I said, all casual, like. ‘No, just give us some money now, munchkin head,’ he said. ‘No,’ I said. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘No,’ I said. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘No,’ I said. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘No,’ I said. ‘Yes,’ he said. (I wasn’t going to crack.) ‘No,’ I said. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘No,’ I said. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘No,’ I said. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘ALL RIGHT!!!!!!!’ Life’s too flippin’ short! Flamin’ idiot! ‘Here you are,’ I said. ‘A dirty penny?’ he said. ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘The very penny that Cillit Bang’s very own Barry Scott used to demonstrate the amazing cleaning power of Cillit Bang. Now push off!’ I slammed the door, but then he shouted through the letterbox: ‘That’s the third one I’ve had this morning! That bloke’s been everywhere with his stupid penny trick! AND IT DOESN’T WORK!!!!’ I ran off to get a stool so I could shout back – I’d thought of an absolutely cracking answer – but he’d gone by the time I got to the flippin’ letterbox. Furious! Oh well, I’ll save it for another time. Tough training session at Melwood: I think the Gaffer wanted to teach the back four how to play the offside trap, because he chose me as the ultimate test. I have to say they learnt it really quickly, because, although I was consistently ON side whenever Paco whistled for offside, I was only slightly onside, so, to be fair to the defenders, they did pretty well. The odd thing was that the Gaffer didn’t seem at all impressed. He just stood there with his head in his hands, groaning. Personally, I think he’s far too hard on the back four, but you’ve got to trust his methods. I was just happy to help out. ‘Never mind,’ I said to Carragher at the end, but the poor lad was inconsolable.
WEDNESDAY: It was the players’ Christmas Party ‘do’ today at Aldo’s place. Fancy dress, it was. I’m sure you’ll not be surprised to hear I had a HECK of a time at the costume shop. ‘Ah,’ said this quite effeminate sort of bloke who worked there, ‘so you’re here at last!’ Eh? ‘Here it is – go out the back and try it on!’ I hadn’t even opened me gob yet! So I went out the back, opened the box and there was this cossie inside: a baggy green smock, long brown shoes and a purple cap. I tried it on and went back out into the main part of the shop to see what it looked like in the mirror. Absolute CONKERS! I looked a right flippin’ tool! This bloke goes: ‘Ah, perfect!’ I said, ‘Perfect??? “PERFECT�?? Excuse me, but I look like a flamin’ idiot!’ He said, ‘You’re dopey!’ I said, ‘And you’re exceptionally stupid!’ He said, ‘No: you’re Dopey – one of the Seven Dwarfs’. I said, ‘YER WHAT?? Are you flippin’ mental?’ So he says, ‘Sorry, I thought the panto people sent you. Who on earth are you then?’ I said, ‘I’m Craig flippin’ Bellamy, the controversial footballer! And I’m here to get something to wear for the flamin’ party tonight!’ So he says, ‘Hmmmm…you're a very difficult shape, aren't you, dear?' I said, 'How dare you! How DARE you, sir!' He said, 'Hmmm, what can we do with you? Umm...oh, I know: try this on!’ He handed me – I kid you not – a Pingu costume! Unbelievable! I said, ‘Listen, mate – it’s very important I make a good impression on me teammates tonight, and turning up as flippin’ flamin’ PINGU will not flippin’ well do the trick!’ So he goes, ‘Oh. Well, we don’t have much else in your size, y'see. A lot of kids came in here for Halloween cossies and quite a few came back soiled’. I was really getting rattled by this time. I said, ‘Listen, mate. I want a costume. An ADULT’S costume. One that looks really flash and cool. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!’ So he gives me…a JESTER’S outfit! Absolutely insane! I looked up at him and said, ‘That is NOT flippin’ cool! A jester is NOT going to impress ANYONE!!!! Besides which, them bells jingling all the time on me head will remind me of a flippin' whistle! It'll sound like me own HEAD is giving me offside all night!!!’ So he went out the back and returned with a scary mask. ‘Put that on with it,’ he said. Well, what a flippin’ transformation! ‘Now THAT is more like it! Fan-flamin’-tastic!’ I was delighted, me. Very happy indeed. I went out, had a light snack of some meat and then went home to try it on for the missus. ‘Oooh, luvver! You look dead scary!’ Just what I thought! Turned up at the party and felt like I was the top man there – none of the others had anything like as original a cossie as mine! I had quite a few shandies and did a bit of a jig. Dead happy, me. Very pleased with meself. Got back home at 2.30 in the morning, and realised I hadn’t got me key with me, so I had to shout through the letterbox. Of course, me flippin’ nosey neighbours had to get in on the act. ‘Oi, Rentaghost – keep the noise down!’ I rose above it. I admit though that I was flippin’ desperate after it took the missus EIGHT flamin’ minutes before she finally opened the door – I was bursting for a pee! Exhausting day, but very satisfying in the end.
THURSDAY: Opened the paper to find a picture of me going to the party. To my amazement, I looked a complete TOOL! They must have doctored the photo in some way. Absolutely typical! In a foul mood most of the day thanks to that. Got to Melwood and people starting singing ‘The Monster Mash’ to me. Amazing the power of the media. It’s like I really did look like that! Had to go to Warrington later for the Peperami (UK North-West Division) Christmas Party. Very nice, actually: we got given a huge goody bag full of Mini Peperamis (so that’s Dirk’s present sorted out without a penny spent!), a limited edition ‘Seasonal Collection’ (consisting of peperamis made out of various unusual meats – I’m a bit too much of a purist to eat them myself, but Salif, being a foreigner, might fancy doing something with them) and a giant Christmas pud (I’ll definitely have that!). All the local reps were coming up to me saying that sales figures have 'improved marginally' since yours truly became the Face of Mini Peperami in the north-west region, so I was well chuffed. Got back home quite late, and with a bit of a tummy ache after all that peperami. Watched Carry On Christmas again – if anything, you know, it gets funnier each time you see it! Me tummy was still playing me up, though, when I went up to bed. Had some absolutely awful nightmares during the night: I was starring in The Royal Variety Performance, see, and I was in that cossie again, performing ‘The Monster Mash’ with Mark Owen from Take That – and that flamin’ drip was actually TALLER than me! Amazing how dreams can get that mental. Then, after we’d all taken a bow and wotnot and were waiting to meet Prince Charles, I couldn’t get me mask off! It had stuck to me flippin’ face! I woke up in a flippin’ awful state, trying to pull me face off. The missus had to give me a bit of a slap, which, on this occasion, WAS called for, because I was in danger of doing meself a mischief.
FRIDAY: Champions League draw. Barcelona! I like going to Italy. Looking forward to that. Very much so. Anyway, today was a frenzied day of shopping for a Christmas present for the missus. Exhausting, it was. I kept getting sidetracked (I was in Halfords for half an hour!). Spotted a few ‘possibilities,’ as the Gaffer would say. There was quite a nice fridge in Argos, as well as a cracking new model of good old George Foreman’s ‘Lean, Mean, Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine’ (he deserves the Nobel Prize for services to meat, that man!). Boots had a really big foot spa, and some fancy soap. I was very tempted by the ‘From a Duckling to a Swan’ Beauty Makeover offer that was on sale at the local ‘House of Hair’ salon. I also quite liked the Ronco Self-Tanning Sprayer I saw in Woolworth’s – because I reckoned I could use that for re-spraying me car as well. But I finally found just the flippin’ thing in Lakeland: the Bissell Power Trak Vacuum Cleaner - £129.99 worth of fan-flippin’-tastic dirt-sucking power! I reckon the missus will be absolutely made up when she opens THAT! ‘Oh, hello, luvver,’ said the missus when I got back home, 'how did you get on?’ I grinned: ‘Oh, not bad at all, luv, not bad at all!’ Actually, I can’t flippin’ wait till she sees it! Your mate Craig is a bit of a flippin’ genius when it comes to buying presents!
SATURDAY: Match day: Charlton away. I don’t like these early starts. The meat lies a bit heavy in me stomach. Anyway, the game went flippin’ FANTASTIC! I was only made Man of the Match, wasn’t I? FLIPPIN’ HECK! Buzzed around all the game, me, scored a flamin’ CRACKING goal (I couldn’t do me ‘M’ sign though because flippin’ Pennant got in me flamin’ way) and generally treated the crowd to a flippin’ Craig masterclass! I even got interviewed on the telly afterwards! And I got given a bottle of drink!!! First class! Got back home and the missus actually had the meat ready! Could not believe me flippin’ luck! Me Mam rang up to congratulate me, but she did give me a bit of a telling off because apparently I’d kept rubbing me face afterwards when I was live on the telly – ‘We couldn’t see your lovely little face!’ I know what she means – it IS a lovely face – but I get nervous and start rubbing meself when I’m on the telly. I’m going to have to practice in front of the mirror. Watched Strictly Come Dancing – even more convinced that I could do that, especially if I was with one of them little female dancers who hardly wears any clothes! – then got ready to watch meself on Match of the Day. Now, the last couple of weeks, see, they’ve had us on so late I’ve dozed off and missed us, so – typically crafty, me – I decided that it wasn’t going to happen this time: I drank ten cups of strong coffee one after the other. That did the trick all right – the appliance of science, eh? Me legs were going up and down like billy-ho, and I had to use the loo every few minutes, but by the start of the programme I was flippin’ wide awake. Then what happened? They only went and put us on flippin’ flamin’ EARLY for once!!!! Of course, I wasn’t the least bit sleepy after it was over, and me little legs were jumping like mad! Flamin’ awful mood I was in. The missus went up to bed and shouted down, ‘Fancy a bit of doo-dah, luvver?’ I was in no state for THAT! ‘Don’t even ask, luv,’ I groaned, ‘don’t even flippin’ ask. I’ll probably do the necessary in the morning, luv’. Stayed downstairs and watched Mimic, which I’d seen before, but what else could I do? Me legs were going up and down like going up and down was going out of fashion! HECK of an end to the day!
