Haha assist ! Haha penalty. Stat padding par excellence.
Florian and the (Slot) Machine
- Thread starter MomoWASright
- Start date
- Latest activity Latest activity:
The goal v Bournemouth...
Well, to be fair Wirtz hasn’t looked lazy and hasn’t looked “shit” at football, so by your “Mo criteria” he should be classified as fine, no? 🤪
Unlike you with only two criteria (is it red? Is it fizzy?) I have many criteria. I’m not even proper hating on Mo this season because I’m channeling it elsewhere.
Besides…. Isn’t it you that wants your reds to be a little bit more fizzy this season instead of flat!! 🤣🤣
Ah, yes, the 'Florian and the slot machine' thread—a digital monument to measured debate, patient analysis, and the complete absence of hyperbole. I have meticulously documented the various positions staked out by the SCM commentariat on the arrival of Florian Wirtz. This dossier shall serve as a definitive record, a yardstick against which future 'I told you so's' may be mercilessly measured.
Let us proceed to catalogue the prophets, the sceptics, and those simply enjoying the chaos.
### The Wirtz Watchlist: A Compendium of Forum Fortunes
A definitive record of who said what, for posterity and, more importantly, for ridicule in twelve months' time.
---
#### **The True Believers & Hype Merchants**
These members saw the light early, boarded the express train to Generational Talentville, and have been shovelling coal into the engine ever since.
* **Hansern**: The undisputed high priest of the Wirtz cult. From the outset, he declared Wirtz a **"generational talent"** with the stats to back it up. Any criticism is met with the fiery indignation of a true believer, dismissing dissenting voices as **"moaners delux"**. For Hansern, the data nerds and the manager love Wirtz, and that **"should be enough for everyone"**. A man who has planted his flag firmly on Wirtz Hill.
* **Hyena**: A pure, uncut hype artist. Made the bold, and frankly un-arsed, claim that **"Florian Wirtz is one of the top five players in the world right now"**, adding with magnificent nonchalance, **"And tbh even though I said five I can't be arsed thinking who the other four are."** His stance is one of absolute conviction, predicting Wirtz will make fools of the doubters.
* **dmishra**: Views Wirtz as a near-messianic figure. He proclaimed Wirtz is **"better than Musila, Bellingham, Olise, Palmer for me"** and places him in the **"Yamal bracket as the two best attacking midfielders in the world over the next 5 years."** For him, this signing all but **"guarantee trophies."**
* **King Binny**: The archivist and statistician of the movement. He consistently furnishes the thread with glowing performance data from Wirtz's Leverkusen days, noting his impressive assist record and synergy with teammates. His excitement is palpable and data-driven.
* **Stevesquash**: The everyman fan, swept up in the glorious tide of transfer excitement. His honest confession sums up the mood perfectly: **"I didnt even know about Florian Wirtz a week ago... but im now all aboard the Wirtz train. CHOO CHOO!"**
* **Atlas**: The voice of big-club ambition. Thrilled that Liverpool are signing **"the best most exciting players in world football,"** he sees the move as a statement of intent and is entirely unbothered by the cost. As he puts it, **"Good, I'm excited we are finally taking advantage of the positive position we are in."**
* **ILD**: A romantic who sees this signing through the glorious lens of history, declaring it **"definitely has a Torres feel to it"** and hopes Wirtz is **"Coutinho on steroids."** His prediction? **"Back to back titles incoming."** Zero ambiguity here.
#### **The Sceptics & The Concerned**
This faction views the nine-figure price tag not as a signifier of quality, but as a colossal millstone. They are watching, waiting, and keeping receipts.
* **Dreambeliever**: The principal antagonist of this saga. He has made it his sacred mission to flag the immense risk associated with the transfer fee, branding Wirtz an **"unknown quantity"** from a **"shite league"**. He believes the player will struggle to adapt and, with a palpable sense of vindication, notes, **"Wirtz is already proving me right."** His foundational belief: **"The most expensive signing by a country mile doesn’t get the luxury of being dogshit very often."**
* **MomoWASright**: A physical profiler deeply concerned that Wirtz's slight build is ill-suited for the Premier League's robust nature, predicting the league is **"going to eat him up."** He dismissed the signing as a **"£110 million for a project. Fuck that,"** and is already drawing unfavourable comparisons to other players.
* **moron**: An early and blunt doubter. He opined, **"I have to agree, I think he is more hype tgan talent,"** and delivered the stinging assessment that Wirtz **"is no where near as good as Musiala."**
* **dogboy**: Holds a grudge from a previous encounter, summarily dismissing Wirtz's past performance against Liverpool with a curt: **"Aye, but they were still shite against us."**
#### **The Pragmatists & The Patient**
This cohort resides in the vast, sensible middle ground—a place often mistaken for a barren wasteland on internet forums. They preach patience, context, and a maddening lack of knee-jerk reactions.
* **peterhague**: The voice of cautious realism. He repeatedly states that the monumental **"£116m fee is relevant"** and justifies the scrutiny. His position is perfectly encapsulated by the sentiment that it is **"way too early to make a judgement but not too early to be slightly concerned."**
* **Mystic**: The champion of the "non polarised opinion." He sees **"encouraging signs"** but soberly adds that **"we need to start seeing goals, assists and meaningful impacts on games soon for such a big signing."** A patient but expectant observer.
* **Frogfish**: A balanced supporter. He's confident Wirtz is **"a great player that will come good"** but readily admits **"he's not set the team alite just yet."** He provides valuable context, citing team upheaval as a mitigating factor for the slow start.
* **Squiggles**: A tactical analyst who argues that a number 10 like Wirtz **"need the team to have seized control of the game"** to be effective. He acknowledges Wirtz must **"build strength"** but remains confident, reminding everyone: **"He's 22 years old. He'll be fine."**
* **Mamma Mia**: The defender of new signings. He questions the intense focus on Wirtz's first few games, asking rhetorically if it is **"all because he cost 100m?"** and concluding that judging a 22-year-old adapting to a new country and league after four games is **"kinda ridiculous."**
* **Farkmaster**: Expresses concern about the defensive imbalance Wirtz's inclusion creates, noting he **"offers far far less defensively than szobo."** However, he also provides the context that previous star signings were older and had Premier League experience, unlike the 22-year-old Wirtz.
* **rurikbird**: Worries less about the player and more about the system. He states, **"it’s undeniable that the overall balance of the team has been adversely affected by the need to fit Wirtz in the team."** A classic "great player, wrong fit?" conundrum.
* **the count**: The forum's meta-analyst. He astutely observes that the entire debate is riddled with **"narrative framing,"** with both sides rushing to conclusions **"All so you can be right on the internet which is seemingly a very important part of modern day football fandom."** He remains above the fray, diagnosing the discourse itself.
#### **The Wildcards & Witty Commentators**
This group provides colour commentary, sharp wit, and the occasional dose of pure chaos. Their contributions are essential for forum posterity.
* **StevieM**: The self-appointed anti-Dreambeliever. He is on a crusade to prevent Wirtz from becoming his rival's **"'I told you so' mission for this season."** He is firmly in the "he'll be fine" camp, dismissing early criticism with a simple **"it’s been 2 fucking games man."**
* **binomial**: The resident sarcastic wit. When a user declared Wirtz a top-five player, `binomial` immediately listed the other four as **"Rice, Maguire, Pickford and Grealish."** A master of the deadpan takedown.
* **jexykrodic**: The romantic soul. He cares not for fees or stats, declaring, **"Am I alone in not caring how much he costs or his stats? I've seen him play footy and he looks like he can bring another dimension to an already good team."**
* **darkstarexodus**: The meme-generator in-waiting. After observing the brewing conflict, he made the prescient request: **"Can someone just come out and call Wirtz a flabby melt already, so we can pull them up on it for years to come?"**
* **Al_Gatto**: The pun-smith. On the subject of risk, he simply asked: **"What's the Wirtz that could happen?"** Magnificent.
---
This record is now sealed. Let the games begin. We shall reconvene in a year to see whose prognostications have aged like a fine wine and whose have curdled like milk in The Lying Rag.
Let us proceed to catalogue the prophets, the sceptics, and those simply enjoying the chaos.
### The Wirtz Watchlist: A Compendium of Forum Fortunes
A definitive record of who said what, for posterity and, more importantly, for ridicule in twelve months' time.
---
#### **The True Believers & Hype Merchants**
These members saw the light early, boarded the express train to Generational Talentville, and have been shovelling coal into the engine ever since.
* **Hansern**: The undisputed high priest of the Wirtz cult. From the outset, he declared Wirtz a **"generational talent"** with the stats to back it up. Any criticism is met with the fiery indignation of a true believer, dismissing dissenting voices as **"moaners delux"**. For Hansern, the data nerds and the manager love Wirtz, and that **"should be enough for everyone"**. A man who has planted his flag firmly on Wirtz Hill.
* **Hyena**: A pure, uncut hype artist. Made the bold, and frankly un-arsed, claim that **"Florian Wirtz is one of the top five players in the world right now"**, adding with magnificent nonchalance, **"And tbh even though I said five I can't be arsed thinking who the other four are."** His stance is one of absolute conviction, predicting Wirtz will make fools of the doubters.
* **dmishra**: Views Wirtz as a near-messianic figure. He proclaimed Wirtz is **"better than Musila, Bellingham, Olise, Palmer for me"** and places him in the **"Yamal bracket as the two best attacking midfielders in the world over the next 5 years."** For him, this signing all but **"guarantee trophies."**
* **King Binny**: The archivist and statistician of the movement. He consistently furnishes the thread with glowing performance data from Wirtz's Leverkusen days, noting his impressive assist record and synergy with teammates. His excitement is palpable and data-driven.
* **Stevesquash**: The everyman fan, swept up in the glorious tide of transfer excitement. His honest confession sums up the mood perfectly: **"I didnt even know about Florian Wirtz a week ago... but im now all aboard the Wirtz train. CHOO CHOO!"**
* **Atlas**: The voice of big-club ambition. Thrilled that Liverpool are signing **"the best most exciting players in world football,"** he sees the move as a statement of intent and is entirely unbothered by the cost. As he puts it, **"Good, I'm excited we are finally taking advantage of the positive position we are in."**
* **ILD**: A romantic who sees this signing through the glorious lens of history, declaring it **"definitely has a Torres feel to it"** and hopes Wirtz is **"Coutinho on steroids."** His prediction? **"Back to back titles incoming."** Zero ambiguity here.
#### **The Sceptics & The Concerned**
This faction views the nine-figure price tag not as a signifier of quality, but as a colossal millstone. They are watching, waiting, and keeping receipts.
* **Dreambeliever**: The principal antagonist of this saga. He has made it his sacred mission to flag the immense risk associated with the transfer fee, branding Wirtz an **"unknown quantity"** from a **"shite league"**. He believes the player will struggle to adapt and, with a palpable sense of vindication, notes, **"Wirtz is already proving me right."** His foundational belief: **"The most expensive signing by a country mile doesn’t get the luxury of being dogshit very often."**
* **MomoWASright**: A physical profiler deeply concerned that Wirtz's slight build is ill-suited for the Premier League's robust nature, predicting the league is **"going to eat him up."** He dismissed the signing as a **"£110 million for a project. Fuck that,"** and is already drawing unfavourable comparisons to other players.
* **moron**: An early and blunt doubter. He opined, **"I have to agree, I think he is more hype tgan talent,"** and delivered the stinging assessment that Wirtz **"is no where near as good as Musiala."**
* **dogboy**: Holds a grudge from a previous encounter, summarily dismissing Wirtz's past performance against Liverpool with a curt: **"Aye, but they were still shite against us."**
#### **The Pragmatists & The Patient**
This cohort resides in the vast, sensible middle ground—a place often mistaken for a barren wasteland on internet forums. They preach patience, context, and a maddening lack of knee-jerk reactions.
* **peterhague**: The voice of cautious realism. He repeatedly states that the monumental **"£116m fee is relevant"** and justifies the scrutiny. His position is perfectly encapsulated by the sentiment that it is **"way too early to make a judgement but not too early to be slightly concerned."**
* **Mystic**: The champion of the "non polarised opinion." He sees **"encouraging signs"** but soberly adds that **"we need to start seeing goals, assists and meaningful impacts on games soon for such a big signing."** A patient but expectant observer.
* **Frogfish**: A balanced supporter. He's confident Wirtz is **"a great player that will come good"** but readily admits **"he's not set the team alite just yet."** He provides valuable context, citing team upheaval as a mitigating factor for the slow start.
* **Squiggles**: A tactical analyst who argues that a number 10 like Wirtz **"need the team to have seized control of the game"** to be effective. He acknowledges Wirtz must **"build strength"** but remains confident, reminding everyone: **"He's 22 years old. He'll be fine."**
* **Mamma Mia**: The defender of new signings. He questions the intense focus on Wirtz's first few games, asking rhetorically if it is **"all because he cost 100m?"** and concluding that judging a 22-year-old adapting to a new country and league after four games is **"kinda ridiculous."**
* **Farkmaster**: Expresses concern about the defensive imbalance Wirtz's inclusion creates, noting he **"offers far far less defensively than szobo."** However, he also provides the context that previous star signings were older and had Premier League experience, unlike the 22-year-old Wirtz.
* **rurikbird**: Worries less about the player and more about the system. He states, **"it’s undeniable that the overall balance of the team has been adversely affected by the need to fit Wirtz in the team."** A classic "great player, wrong fit?" conundrum.
* **the count**: The forum's meta-analyst. He astutely observes that the entire debate is riddled with **"narrative framing,"** with both sides rushing to conclusions **"All so you can be right on the internet which is seemingly a very important part of modern day football fandom."** He remains above the fray, diagnosing the discourse itself.
#### **The Wildcards & Witty Commentators**
This group provides colour commentary, sharp wit, and the occasional dose of pure chaos. Their contributions are essential for forum posterity.
* **StevieM**: The self-appointed anti-Dreambeliever. He is on a crusade to prevent Wirtz from becoming his rival's **"'I told you so' mission for this season."** He is firmly in the "he'll be fine" camp, dismissing early criticism with a simple **"it’s been 2 fucking games man."**
* **binomial**: The resident sarcastic wit. When a user declared Wirtz a top-five player, `binomial` immediately listed the other four as **"Rice, Maguire, Pickford and Grealish."** A master of the deadpan takedown.
* **jexykrodic**: The romantic soul. He cares not for fees or stats, declaring, **"Am I alone in not caring how much he costs or his stats? I've seen him play footy and he looks like he can bring another dimension to an already good team."**
* **darkstarexodus**: The meme-generator in-waiting. After observing the brewing conflict, he made the prescient request: **"Can someone just come out and call Wirtz a flabby melt already, so we can pull them up on it for years to come?"**
* **Al_Gatto**: The pun-smith. On the subject of risk, he simply asked: **"What's the Wirtz that could happen?"** Magnificent.
---
This record is now sealed. Let the games begin. We shall reconvene in a year to see whose prognostications have aged like a fine wine and whose have curdled like milk in The Lying Rag.
“The Sceptics & The Concerned” 🤣🤣🤣
Lol at the "undisputed high priest of the Wirtz cult".
Quite literally could not have put it better myself.
Quite literally could not have put it better myself.
Ha ha that’s boss.
5 games
0 goals
0 assists
5 subs 4 before we won the game
0 goals
0 assists
5 subs 4 before we won the game
You're not lying.
